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THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS AND RIDDLES OF ALL AGES

J. GILCHRIST LAWSON

THE WORLD'S BEST

CONUNDRUMS

AND RIDDLES OF ALL AGES

BY

J. GILCHRIST LAWSON

Author of ^^The WorU^s Best Humorous Anecdotes,* ''The World's Best Efigrams^' etc.

HARPER y BROTHERS PUBLISHERS NEW YORK AND LONDON

COPYRIGHT, 1924, BY HARPER & BROTHERS

THE WORLD S BEST CONUNDRUM^

AND RIDDLES OF ALL AGES

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

M-O

INTRODUCTION

In preparing this book it has been the purpose of the author and publisher to provide a collection of all the world's best riddles and conundrums. They believe that they have succeeded in presenting a far more comprehensive and much better classified collection of riddles and conundrums than any heretofore published. All of the standard, popular and important riddles are contained in this volume. The author and publisher acknowledge their indebtedness to the many splendid collections of riddles, conundrums, enigmas and charades which have preceded this one.

The thorough classification of the riddles in this book will enable the reader to instantly select the best on any subject, and to ask conundrums appropriate to any occasion. It will also enable any one to turn quickly to the answer to any popular riddle by looking for the riddle under the subject to which it properly belongs. Persons especially interested in the study of animals, geography, history, lit- erature, biography, mythology, the Bible, or any other great theme, will find a large collection of riddles arranged under each of those headings. The classification of the riddles under subjects will appeal to public speakers and to writers wishing to quote appropriate riddles on any subject ; also to those wishing to make a literary study of riddles on any particular subject. If it should seem monotonous to ask a number of riddles on one subject, the greatest variety may be secured by turning rapidly from one subject to another.

A number of the riddles in this book are new and some original ; while others, like the famous "riddle of the Sphinx" or Samson's riddle from the Bible, are thousands of years or centuries old. Many date back to the early years of English history more than a thousand years ago, while many others are translated from foreign languages. A few, which could not well be translated, are given in the leading languages of Europe.

From the days of Egyptian and Greek mythology to the present time riddles have been widely used as a means of amusement and to sharpen the wits of the young and to test the wits of both old and young. Perhaps the oldest riddle known is that of the Sphinx of Greek mythology. This fabled monster with a human head and the body of a beast sat on a high rock by the roadside near Thebes and propounded the following riddle to passers-by: "What is it that has only one voice and goes first on four feet, then on two, and lastly on three?" All who could not solve the riddle were strangled by the monster and thrown from the rock. Finally, (Edipus, son of the

vi INTRODUCTION

king of Thebes, answered the riddle, saying that it referred to man, who crawls as an infant, then walks on two feet and in old age uses a staff. The Sphinx was so chagrined at the solution of her riddle that she cast herself from the high rock and perished. In ancient Greek mythology, the Oracles frequently spoke in riddles, most of them being poetry, like the riddle of Samson in the Bible. In old Norse mythology, Odin entered into a riddle contest with the giant Vafthrudinir, in which the giant forfeited his life when he failed to answer a riddle. In the mythology of other countries even life itself was sometimes wagered that a riddle could not be solved. In the "Alvissmal" the prize of the riddle contest was the daughter of Thor. In the English ballad of the Elfin Knight, a maid saves herself from an evil spirit by guessing his riddles. In Russian folk-tale the Princess agrees to marry "Boots" if she cannot solve his riddle. He said, "As I came to you I saw on the way what was bad, and I struck the bad with a bad thing, and of what was bad the bad died." She could not guess that he had killed a snake with his lance; she gave up the riddle and had to marry him.

Not only in mythology and folk-lore of many nations are there numerous examples of riddles and riddle contests, but there are many instances of riddles and riddle guessing in real history. Among the Hebrews we have the example of Samson's riddle in the Scriptures; and Josephus, the ancient Jewish historian, relates how Solomon and Hiram, king of Tyre, once had a riddle contest in which Solomon won a large sum of money from Hiram, but afterwards lost it all to Hiram's subject, Abdemon, The Queen of Sheba came to pose the wise king Solomon with riddles, or so runs the Vulgate. Plu- tarch claims that Homer, the great poet of ancient Greece, died of grief because he could not solve a certain riddle about two boys who went hunting. Riddles became common in Greece about the time of the "Seven Sages," and were even used by the greater poets. Coelius Firmianus Symposius wrote a hundred riddles in poetry. Virgil, tha Latin poet, tells about the shepherds asking riddles. Riddles are found in the Koran, or Mohammedan Bible. It is claimed that a war of riddles took place between Lycerus, king of Babylon, and Nectanebo, king of Egypt, and was won by Lycerus through the help of ^sop, the famous writer of fables, then residing at his court. Ancient kings sent enigmas to each other, and ambassadors sometimes delivered their messages in the form of riddles. In the early baronial halls and in the monasteries of England, riddles were used for amuse- ment, and as a serious intellectual exercise they were common in the Middle Ages. During the serious times of the Reformation riddle- guessing was checked, but became very common in France, Germany and England in the 17th Century, when poetical riddles and charades were invented by the great writers and poets.

Many collections of riddles have been made. Many French, Eng- lish and German riddle books exist in manuscript form, made before the days of printing. Others were printed as early as the i6th Cen-

INTRODUCTION vii

tury. While many of these riddles are coarse jests, others represent the simple religious beliefs of the times. Thus, "Demand: What bore the best burden that ever was borne? Response: The ass that car- ried our Lady when she fled with our Lord into Egypt." A number of interesting old English poetical riddles are given in the Exeter Book, written about looo A.D. Some of these are as old as the 8th Century after Christ, and some of them are evidently translated from old Latin riddles. ^Edhelm, bishop of Sherborne (died 709), and Tatwine, archbishop of Canterbury (731-734), wrote Latin riddles. Collections of riddles exist in most of the leading languages, and even in Arabic and Persian. Most of the best collections have been published in the last few decades.

Popular riddles are widely distributed, like popular legends and fairy tales. The Woloffs of Africa ask, "What flies forever and rests never?" referring to the wind. The African Basutos put this riddle, "What is wingless and legless, yet flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" describing the human voice. The German riddle con- cerning the wind is, "What can go in the face of the sun yet leave no shadow?" To-day, with us, riddles are usually mere jests; but the peasants of Ireland, Germany and Russia, and the Gypsies, Zulus and Samoans often regard them more seriously. In the Government of Pskov, in Russia, on the occasion of a marriage, the bridegroom and his friends are not allowed to enter the bride's cottage until they have answered all the riddles her friends put to them. In one of the villages in the Jaroslav Government a bargain is concluded between the groomsman and the "seller of the bride" — riddles answered by gestures instead of words taking the place of coin.

Riddles are akin to parables or proverbs. They are the oldest extant form of humor. They are collected and studied as folk-lore fossils. The pun, conundrum, enigma, charade and rebus are dif- ferent forms of riddles. The punning variety of riddles, known as conundrums, are now very common. This form of riddle, though sometimes indulged in by the early Greeks and Romans, is of com- paratively modern growth. Riddles were frequently used by the ancients to disguise truths which it was not deemed advisable that every one should know, or which it was not considered safe to state too plainly. After inventing riddles, men began guessing riddles as a game, and sometimes sides were chosen, each side betting on its champion. Wagers were frequently made on the guessing of riddles, as Samson wagered the Philistines that they could not solve his riddle.

The author and publisher believe that this collection of conun- drums and riddles will supply a much needed volume for the addition of a very desirable element to programs for all sorts of social occa- sions, as well as to enliven conversation in home gatherings by the fireside and at the dinner table.

J. G. L.

CONTENTS

ABSENCE

ACCIDENTS

ACROBATS

ACTIONS

ACTORS .

ACTRESSES

ADVICE .

AFFECTION

AGE

AIR

AIR CASTLES

AIRSHIPS

ALPHABET

AMBITION

AMERICA

ANGER .

ANIMALS

ANTS

ANYTHING

APOTHECARIES

APPLES .

ARCHITECTS

ARGUMENTS

ARMIES .

ARTISTS

AUCTIONS

AUGERS

AUTHORS

AUTOMOBILES

AVARICE

BABIES .

PACK

29 29 29 29 30 30 31 31 31 32 32 32 33 39 39 40 40 42 43 43 43 43 43 43 44 45 45 45 46 46

46

IX

CONTENTS

BACHELORS

BAKERS .

BALDNESS

BALLOONS

BANKRUPTCY

BANKS .

BARBERS

BARRELS

BASE-BALL

BATHING

BATS

BEARDS .

BEAUTY

BEDS

BEES

BEGGARS

BELLS .

BIBLE .

BICYCLES

BIOGRAPHY

BIRDS

BLACKSMITHS

BLINDNESS

BLONDES

BLOWS .

BLUSHING

BOARDERS

BOARDS OF TRADE

BOASTING

BOATS .

BOILS

BONES .

BOOKKEEPERS

BOOKS

BORES

BORROWING

BOTTLES

BOXES .

48

49

50

51

52

53

54

55

66

67

69

71

72

73

74

75

CONTENTS

BOXING

BOYS

BRAINS .

BRAVERY

BREAD .

BREADTH

BRIDGES

BRUNETTES

BUGS

BUILDINGS

BURGLARS

BUSSES .

BUTCHERS

BUTTER

BUTTER-FLIES

BUTTONS

CABLES .

CABS

CANDLES

CANDY .

CANES .

CANNIBALS

CANNON

CARDS .

CARPENTERS

CARPETS

CARS

CASHIERS

CATERPILLARS

CATS

CATTLE

CAUTION

CEMETERIES

CHAIRS

CHARADES

CHARITY

CHEATING

PACE

75 76 78 78 78 78 78 79 79 79 79 79 79 80 80 80

80 80 81 81 82 82 82 82 83 83 84 84 84 84 86 87 87 87 87 93 93

xu

CONTENTS

CHEESE

CHEMISTS

CHESS

CHICKENS

CHILDREN

CHIMNEYS

CHINAMEN

CHOIRS .

CHRONOMETERS

CHURCHES

CITIES

CLIMBING

CLOCKS

CLOTHES

CLOUDS .

COACHMEN

COALS

COFFEE

COFFINS

COLD CREAM

COLDS .

COLLEGES

COLORS .

COMBS .

COMMITTEES

COMPANIES

CONCEIT

CONFUSION

CONGRESS

CONTEMPT

CONVENTS

COOKING

COQUETTES

CORN

CORNS

CORSETS

COUNTERFEITING

COURTSHIP .

PAGE

94 94 94 94

97

98

99

101

103

104

105

106

108

109

CONTENTS

XlAi

COWARDS

CRANKS

CREDULITY

CRIMINALS

CROWDS

CROWS .

CRYING

CUNNING

CURTAINS

DANCING

DANGER

DAYS

DEAFNESS

DEATH .

DEBTS .

DEJECTION

DENTISTS

DIRT

DISCONTENT

DISCOURSES

DISEASES

DITCHES

DIVORCE

DOCTORS

DOGMAS

DOGS

DOMESTIC TROUBLES

DONKEYS

DOORBELLS

DOORS

DRINKING

DROWNING

DUCKS .

DUDES .

DUELS

DUMBNESS

DUMB-WAITERS

110 110 110 110 110 110 110 111 111

111

112 112 112 112 113 114 114 115 115 115 115 116 116 116 117 117 119 121 121 121 122 123 123 124 125 125 125

XIV

CONTENTS

DUST DUTY

EARS

EARTH .

EATING

EAVES-DROPPERS

ECHOES

ECLIPSES

EDITORS

EGGS

EGOTISM

ELEVATORS

EMPLOYERS

ENERGY

ENGINES

ENGLISH

ENGRAVERS

ENVELOPES

ENVY

EPIGRAMS

EQUALITY

ETERNITY

EYES

FACTS .

FAINTING

FALLING

FALSE LOGIC

FARMERS

FASHIONS

FAT PEOPLE

FAULT-FINDING

FEAR

FEATURES

FEET

FENCES

FIELDS .

PAGE

125 125

125 125 125 131 131 132 132 132 133 133 133 133 133 134 137 137 137 138 138 138 138

139 139 139 140 140 141 142 142 142 143 143 143 144

CONTENTS

XV

FIGURES

FIRE

FIRE-FLIES

FIREWORKS

FISH

FLATTERY

FLEAS

FLIES

FLIRTING

FLOWERS

FOG

FOLLY

FOOD

FOOLS

FOREIGNERS

FORESIGHT

FORGERY

FORKS .

FORMS .

FOUNTAINS

FOURTH OF

FRENCH

FRIENDS

FROGS .

FROST .

FRUITS .

FURS

GAMBLING

GAMES .

GARDENS

GARTERS

GATES .

GENEROSITY

GEOGRAPHY

GEOLOGY

GEOMETRY

GERMAN

JULY

144 144

145 145 145 147 147 148 148 149 149 150 150 150 150 150 150 150 151 151 151 151 153 153 154 154 155

155 156 156 157 157 157 157 164 164 164

XVI

CONTENTS

GIRLS

GIVING

GLASS

GLOVES

GOATS .

GOOD BREEDING

GOOD RESOLUTIONS

GOVERNESSES

GRAMMAR

GRASS

GRASS WIDOWS

GRAVITY

GROCERS

GUNS

GYMNASTICS

HAIR

HANDCUFFS

HANDKERCHIEFS

HANDS .

HANGING

HAPPINESS

HARDSHIPS

HASTE

HATS

HEADS

HEALTH

HEAT

HEAVEN

HILLS

HISTORY

HOLES

HONEYMOONS

HOPE

HORSES

HOTELS

HOUSES .

HUNTING

PAGE

164 167 167 167 167 168 168 168 168 169 170 170 170 170 171

171 171 172 172 172 173 173 173 173 174 174 174 174 175 175 180 180 180 180 182 183 183

CONTENTS

xvii

HUSBANDS

PAGE

183

ICE

ICE CREAM

IDEAS

IDOLS

IGNORANCE

IMBECILITY

INDIANS

INK

IRISH

IRON

JEWELERS JEWS

JOKES JUDGES JUMPING JURIES

KEEPSAKES

KEYS

KISSING

KITES

KNAPSACKS

KNAVES

KNOTS .

LADDERS

LADIES .

LAMP-POSTS

LAMPS .

LAND

LATIN

LAUGHING

LAW

LAWSUITS

LAWYERS

184 184

184 185 185 185 185 185 185 187

187 187 187 188

188 188

188 188 188 190 190 190 191

191 191 193 193 193 193 193 193 194 194

xviii CONTENTS

PAGB

LAZINESS 196

LECTURES 197

LEGS 197

LEISURE .197

LETTERS .197

LIBRARIES .197

LIFE .197

LIGHTNING .198

LIGHTS .198

LIPS .198

LISPING .199

LITERARY 199

LOADS 204

LOAFERS 204

LOCKS 204

LOST ARTICLES 204

LOVE 204

LOVERS 205

LUCK 206

LUNACY 207

LYING 207

MAGIC 207

MANNERS . . . 208

MARRIAGE 208

MATHEMATICS 210

MEASURES 216

MEDICINES 216

MEMORY 217

MEN 217

MERIT 219

MESSENGERS 219

MICE 219

MILK 220

MIND 220

MINING 220

MIRRORS . 220

MISERS 221

CONTENTS

XIX

MISFORTUNE

MISSIONARIES

MISTAKES

MODESTY

MONEY

MOON

MORNING

MORTGAGES

MOSQUITOES

MOTHERS

MOTHERS-IN-LAW

MOUNTAINS

MOUSTACHES

MUD

MUGS

MUMMIES

MURDER

MUSIC .

MYSTERIES

MYTHOLOGY

NAILS

NAMES .

NATURE

NAVY

NECESSITY

NEEDLES

NEGROES

NEWSPAPERS

NIGHT .

NOBILITY

NOISES

NORTH POLE

NOSES

NOTES

NOTHING

PAGE

221

222 222 222 222 224 225 225 225 225 226 226 226 226 226 226 227 227 231 231

232 232 233 233 233 233 234 234 235 235 236 236 236 237 237

OCEANS

238

XX

CONTENTS

OFFENSE OFFICIOUSNESS OLD MAII>S ORATORS ORPHANS

PAIN

PAINT .

PAPER .

PARENTS

PAWNBROKERS

PENCILS

PENS

PEOPLE

PERFUME

PERJURY

PERSEVERANCE

PHOTOGRAPHS

PHYSIOGNOMY

PIANOS .

PICTURES

PIES

PIGS

PILLOWS

PINCHING

PINS

PITCHERS

PITY

PLAGIARISM

PLANTS

PLOWING

POCKETS

POETS .

POLICE

POLITICS

PORTERS

PORTRAITS

POSITIVENESS

238

238 238 239 239

239

240

241

242

243

244

245

246

247

248

CONTENTS

XXI

POSTAGE

POSTMEN

POSTS

POULTRY

POVERTY

POWDER

PRAIRIES

PREACHERS

PRECIOUS STONES

PRESIDENTS .

PRICES .

PRIDE

PRINTERS

PRISONS

PROMISES

PROMPTNESS

PRONUNCIATION

PROPOSING

PROSPERITY

PRUDENCE

PRUDERY

PUMPS .

PUNCTUATION

PUNS

PURSES

QUARRELLING QUESTIONS

RACING

RADIOS .

RAILROADS

RAIN

REAL ESTATE

RECEPTIONS

RECORDS

RELATIVES

RELIGION

248

248 248 249 249 249 249 249 251 251 252 252 252 252 253 253 253 253 254 254 254 254 254 254 255

255 256

256 256 256 257 258 258 258 258 260

XZll

CONTENTS

REMARKS RENT

RESOLUTIONS RIDDLES RIDING RINGS . RIVERS . ROADS . ROOFS . ROOMS . ROPES . ROYALTY RUGS RULERS

SAILORS

SANTA CLAUS

SARCASM

SATISFACTION

SCALES .

SCANDAL

SCHOOLS

SCISSORS

SCOTCH

SCULPTURE

SEAS

SEASICKNESS

SEASONS

SECRETS

SEEDS

SEEING .

SELF

SELF-DEFENSE

SENSE

SERMONS

SERVANTS

SEW^ING

SHADOWS

PAGE

260 260 261 261 262 263 263 263 263 264 264 264 265 265

265

266

267

268

269

270

271

272

CONTENTS

XXlll

SHAVING

SHEEP .

SHIPS

SHIVERING

SHOES

SHOOTING

SHOPS

SHORTHAND

SHORT PEOPLE

SICKNESS

SIGHING

SIGNS

SILENCE

SILKWORMS

SILVERWARE

SINGING

SIZE

SKATING

SLANDER

SLEEPING

SMALLNESS

SMILES .

SMOKING

SNAKES

SNEEZING

SNORING

SNOW

SNUFF .

SOAP

SOCIABILITY

SOCIETY

SOFAS

SOLDIERS

SOUL

SOUP

SPEAKING

SPECTACLES

SPECULATION

PACE

273

275

277

278

279

280

281

282

283

286

XXIV

CONTENTS

SPELLING

SPENDTHRIFTS

SPIDERS

SPLINTERS

SPONGES

SPOONING

SPRING .

SQUIRRELS

STAIRS .

STARING

STARS

STEALING

STOCKINGS

STOCKS .

STONES .

STORES .

STORIES

STORMS .

STREET CARS

STUDENTS

STUPIDITY

SUCCESS

SUGAR .

SUN

SUNDAY

SURGEONS

SUSPENDERS

SWEARING

SWEEPING

SWIMMING

SYMPATHY

TABLES

TAILORS

TALKING

TALL PEOPLE

TEA

TEETH

286 293 293 294 294 294 294 295 295 295 295 296 297 297 297 298 298 298 298 298 299 299 299 299 300 301 301 301 301 302 302

302 302 303 303 304 304

CONTENTS

XXV

TELEGRAPH

TEMPER

TENEMENTS

THANKS

THEATRES

THINKING

THUNDER

TICKLING

TIME

TIREDNESS

TOASTS .

TOBACCO

TONGUE

TRADES

TRAINS .

TRAMPS

TRAPS

TRAVEL

TREADMILLS

TREASON

TREES

TROUBLES

TRUNKS

TRUTH .

TYPEWRITERS

UMBRELLAS .

VACCINATION

VARIETY

VEGETABLES

VINEGAR

VINES

VIOLINS

VOICE

VOWELS

305

306

307

309

310

312

313

315

316

317 317 317 318 318 318 319 319

WAGONS

319

xxvi	CONTENTS
PAGE
WAITERS 320
WALKING				. 320
WALKING-STICKS				. 320
WALL PAPER				. 320
WALLS .				. 320
WAR				. 321
WASHING				. 322
WATCHES				. 323
WATER				. 324
WATERMELONS				. 324
WAVES				. 324
WEATHER				. 325
WEDDINGS				. 325
WEIGHT				. 326
WHEELBARROWS				. 327
WHEELS				. 327
WHISPERING				. 327
WHISTLING .				. 327
WIDOWERS				. 327
WIDOWS				. 328
WIGS				. 328
WILLS				. 329
WIND				. 329
WINDOWS		,		. 329
WIT		,		. 329
WIVES .		•		. 330
WOMEN		•		. 330
WORK .		,		. 334
WORLD .		•		. 334
WRITING		•	■■•	. 335
YEARS .		I •		. 335
YOUNG LADIES		•		. 335
YOUNG MEN		•	,,	. 338

THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

AND RIDDLES OF ALL AGES

ABSENCE

Why is absence like a pair of bellows?

Because it strengthens a strong flame and extinguishes a weak one^

What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance ? Absence.

ACCIDENTS

^"WTiat is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.

yWhy is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg you lose something to hoot.

ACROBATS

Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles, and thrives.

If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? Against his inclination.

Who are the acrobats in every household? The pitcher and the tumbler.

ACTIONS

Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the course that they take, hut not the source whence they spring.

so THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

ACTORS

Why is a good actor like a good architect? Because they both "draw" good houses.

Why is an actor better dead than living?

When alive he scarce a living can get, when he's dead he fills both box and pit.

Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid of the hook.

Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to get off.

Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an ex-actor.

Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his perform- ances?

Because they are always on cord (encored).

Why did Blond in on the high rope stand to his audience in the sense of one who is outstripping his fellows? Because he was stepping over their heads.

ACTRESSES

Why is an actress like an angel?

Because we seldom see one that is not painted.

Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a success- ful actress?

Because she's the leading lady.

Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams.

^ How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because she's taking a part (taken apart).

^ What is the difference between a ballet-dancer and a duck?

One goes quick on her beautiful legs; the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs.

Why are ballet- women so wicked?

Because they are never content until they execute their pas.

AGE 51

ADVICE

What is it we all require, we all give, we occasionally ask for, but very seldom take? Advice.

When any one asks your advice what should you do?

First find out what kind of advice he wants, then give it to him.

What kind of vice is that which people dislike if they are ever so bad?

Ad-vice.

What does everybody give and few take?

Advice.

AFFECTION

Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate one? Because it embraces everything.

What article that we wear is most affectionate?

A porous plaster, because it becomes very much attached to us.

AGE

Why is a dilapidated house like old age? Because its gate is feeble and its locks are few.

Why is an old man easily robbed ?

His gait is broken and his locks are few (locks of hair).

V'What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older.

Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is in firm.

Where do you go on your 12th birthday ? Into your i^th year.

Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes).

What three letters make a man of a boy? A. G. E.

S2 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they die late (dilate).

AIR

Why does the air seem fresher in winter than it does in summer? Because it's kept on ice most of the time.

AIR CASTLES

What are the most wonderful buildings ever built? Air castles.

In what sense are idle people often expert carpenters? In building air castles.

What beautiful buildings may be built without expense? Air castles.

Why is it all right to build air castles? Because if we never build castles in the air. We shall never build them anywhere.

What wonderful buildings resemble mirage? Air castles.

What magnificent buildings are there on which no one is willing to accept a mortgage? Air castles.

^^ What is the right kind of timber for castles in the air ? A sunbeam.

What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air!

AIRSHIPS

Why are airship inventors like musicians?

Because they bend all their energies to the conquest of the air.

Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of an ancestor?

Because it is a family heirloom.

'•"' -

ALPHABET S3

Why is the aeronaut whose airship plows into the earth Hke a successful speculator?

Because he has taken a flier in real estate.

Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a soar point zvith Jiim.

What is the highest pleasure you can think about? Riding in an aeroplane.

In what way do men now compete with the birds? In flying through the air.

What modern amusement makes you feel like a bird? Riding in an aeroplane.

Why is the fresh young upstart like an aerial postman ? Because he's up and coming.

What is the difference between a beached vessel and a wrecked aeroplane ?

One grounds on the land and the other lands on the ground.

ALPHABET

^.' What is it that occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, and not once in a thousand years? The letter M.

Why is a selfish person like the letter "p" ? Because he is the first in pity and the last in help.

What letter will set one of the heavenly bodies in motion? T, because it will make a star start.

What is that which is invisible yet never out of sight? The letter "s."

When can the alphabet be shortened? When U and I are one.

How can you remove A from the alphabet? B-head it.

Why is it right for B to come before C? Because we must B before we can C.

S4 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Which is the merriest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in fun.

How would you express in two letters that you were twice the bulk of your companions? / W.

What word of only three syllables combines in it twenty-six let- ters?

Alphabet.

Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? Because it is the end of beef.

Why is E the most unfortunate of letters?

Because it is never in cash, always in debt, and never out of danger.

Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters of the alphabet of more importance than the others?

Because we cannot get on (o-n) well without them.

If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, in what order would they come?

They would all ge^ there down to S, and the rest would come after T.

If the alphabet were going out to a party, when would the last six

letters start? After T.

What are the hottest letters in the alphabet? K N (cayenne).

Why is the letter R indispensable to friendship? Because without it your friends would be fiends.

Speak only two letters and thus name the destiny of all earthly things. D K.

Why is the letter R most important to young people? Because without it we would have neither Christmas nor a New Year.

Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.

ALPHABET 85

Why should children mind their P's and Q's? To discover the difference between being polite and quiet, and being pert and quarrelsome.

Why is L like giving a sweetheart away? Because it makes over a lover.

Which is the longest letter in the alphabet? An I (ell).

Why is the letter B like fire ? Because it makes oil boil.

Why is the letter E like death ? Because it is the end of life.

What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The letter E.

Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine? Because it makes needles needless.

Why is S like a smart repartee? Because it begins and ends in sauciness.

Why is D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad.

% ' What is that which is The beginning of eternity, The end of time and space. The beginning of every end, The end of every race ? The letter E.

Why should a housekeeper never put the letter M into her refriger- ator?

Because it will change ice into mA.ce.

. When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U and I are one.

Two letters often tempt mankind, And those who yield will surely find Two others ready to enforce The punishment that comes of course. X-S and D-K (excess and decay).

S6 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

If your wife were to fall overboard, what letter in the alphabet would suit your wishes? Letter "B."

Why is it that you and I must never dine together? Because U can never come until after I.

What must all the letters of the alphabet be in order to possess infinite sagacity? Wise (Y's).

What is always at the head of fashion, yet always out of date? The letter F.

♦^ What Queen Mary had before, poor thing! what King William had behind, poor thing! what Queen Anne never had at all, poor thing ?

The letter M.

I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not be home without me. Letter O.

Why is the letter F like death? Because it makes all fall.

Why is the letter A like twelve o'clock? Because it comes in the middle of day.

If a stupid fellow was going to take an examination, why should he study the letter P?

Because P makes "ass" "pass."

^ What four letters should frighten a thief ? O I C U (Oh! I see you).

When is a man like the letter B? When he is in bed.

What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf woman? A, because it makes her hear.

Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the C (sea).

What letter is always invisible, yet never out of sight? The letter L

ALPHABET 87

^ Why is the letter G like the sun ? Because it is the center of light.

Why is the letter S like dinner? It comes before T (tea).

Why is the letter Y like a young spendthrift? Because it makes pa pay.

• Why is the letter S like thunder? // makes our cream sour cream.

Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them?

K N (cayenne).

»/ How shall the following be read? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me. Answer. — Too wise you are,

Too wise you be; I see you are Too wise for me.

Why is the letter D like a wedding ring? Because "we" cannot be "wed" without it.

•^ Luke had it first, Paul had it last ; boys never have it ; girls have it but once ; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she married Pat Murphy she never had it again? The letter L.

Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.

Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? Because it is always in waiting.

If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter

would leave first ?

D would begin the descent.

What one letter in the alphabet will spell the word potato? The letter O, put them down one at a time until you have put eight o's.

Why is the letter N like a pig? Because it makes a sty nasty.

38 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is quizzing like the letter D on horseback? It is deriding (D riding).

Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it's at the end of pork!

Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both in earth and water.

Why is the letter N like a buck's tail? Because it's the end of venison.

Which are the most sensible letters? The wise (Y's).

Which are the most extensive letters? The seas (C's).

Which letters are greatest bores? The Tease (T's).

Which letters are most fond of comfort? The ease (E's).

Which letters are the hardest workers? The bees (B's).

Which changes the lower regions into the flower regions? The letter F.

Why should all sober people go to rest directly after tea? Because when T is gone night is nigh.

Which are the poorest letters? The Owes (O's).

Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the capital of England.

If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash in order to get well, why is it like four letters of the alphabet? Because it's soapy cure (it's o-p-q-r).

What is the difference between here and there? The letter T.

AMERICA 39

Why is a glass-blower the most likely person to set the alphabet off at a gallop?

Because he can make a D-canter.

Why is the letter R a profitable letter? Because it makes rice of ice.

What was the first bet ever made? The alphabet.

What makes a road broad? The letter B.

What changes a pear into a pearl? The letter L.

AMBITION

Why is ambition like a weather cock? Because it's a vain thing to a-spire.

AMERICA

^ Why is the emblem of the United States more enduring than that of France, England, Ireland, or Scotland? The "Lily" may fade and its leaves decay, The "Rose" from its stem may sever. The "Shamrock" and "Thistle" may pass away. But the "Stars" will shine forever.

Why is the American eagle like the enterprising business man? Because he is found wherever there is a dollar.

Why should the people of the United States be very jolly ? Because it was named after a merry cuss (Americus).

What country is like a happy dog? America (A-merry-cur).

Why is this continent like milk? Because it's ours (it sours).

Why is the history of our country like playing a lively tune on the piano?

Because it is touching "a merry key" (America).

40 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why does Uncle Sam wear red-white-and-blue suspenders? To hold up his pants.

ANGER

'^When is a man where he is not? When he is beside himself.

V When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine minutes past twelve ?

When he is just going to strike one.

What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? It sings sweetest when it is hottest.

Why is anger like a potato?

Because it always shoots from the eye.

When is a man duplicated? When he's beside himself.

How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved? By exhibiting their "presents of mind" and "giving you a bit of it."

ANIMALS

Why is a camel a most irascible animal? Because he always has his back up.

What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A centipede with chilblains.

What animal would you be on a cool day ? A little otter.

^ A duck, a frog, and a skunk went to a circus and had to have a dollar to get in; which got in, and which didn't?

The duck got in because she had a hill; the frog got in on his green-back ; but the poor old skunk couldn't get in because he only had a cent (scent), and it was a bad one.

Or:

The duck gobbled up the frog, and then "ducked" in, and the skunk got in, as his one cent (scent) was equal to a hundred.

Which animal carries the most, and which the least luggage? The elephant carries the most, because he is never without his

ANIMALS 41

trunk, and the fox and cock the least, because they only have one brush and comb between them.

Why is an elephant an unwelcome caller? Because he alzvays brings his trunk with him.

Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he shows an open countenance when taking you in.

Would you rather an elephant killed you, or a gorilla? Rather the elephant killed the gorilla.

Which would you rather — a lion eat you or a tiger? I'd rather the lion eat the tiger.

If a man met a crying pig, what animal would he call him? Pork you pine.

^With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves.

What animals are in the clouds? Rain, dear, (reindeer).

Why is an elephant like a wheelbarrow? Because he can't climb up a tree.

Add half a score to nothing, and what animal does it make? O X (ox).

What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush.

Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.

What wild animals may be safely shut up in the same enclosure? Sixteen ounces in one pound.

What would a bear want if he should get into a dry-goods store? Muslin (muscling).

>/ Which is the most generous animal in the world? A skunk, because they give every one passing a s-cent.

What is the best way to hide a bear ; it doesn't matter how big he is — the bigger the better? Skin him.

42 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is a mahout, when trampled on by his elephant, like a lob- ster?

Because he's a crush' d Asian (Crustacean).

When is a man like a snake? When he is rattled.

What animals grow on grape vines? Gray apes (Grapes).

Which animal carries the most baggage when he travels? The elephant, because he carries his trunk with him.

Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk.

-^ When does a leopard change his spots ? When he moves from one spot to another.

What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators.

What small animal is turned into a large one by being beheaded? Fox — ox.

^Why should turtles be pitied? Because theirs is a hard case.

What is the difference between a man struck with amazement and a leopard's tail?

One is rooted to the spot and the other is spotted to the root.

What animal does a boy represent when throwing wood onto a pile?

A wood-chuck.

Which has the greatest amount of animal heat, the beaver or the otter?

The (h) otter of the two.

How should we know that a lion has whiskers? Because he is bearded in his den.

ANTS

•^ What is smaller than an ant's mouth ? What goes into it.

ARMIES 43

What is the best way to kill ants?

Hit your uncle's wife on the head with a hammer!

What are the biggest kind of ants ? Giants.

ANYTHING

What ladies with a grace may feign, And when you dust looks well again ; What many a man who has a wife Submits to for a quiet life? Anything!

APOTHECARIES

Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill.

APPLES

When are two apples alike ? When pared.

ARCHITECTS

Why should architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at drawing houses.

ARGUMENTS

Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accur- ately determined?

Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall from his eyes.

ARMIES

v^ When does a regiment undergo an operation? When deprived of its arms.

■y Why is the United States government not going to have bayonets any longer in the army ? They are long enough.

*^ When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in quarters.

44 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is an army like a newspaper? Because it has leaders, columns and reviews.

What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An army.

When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms.

Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted.

Why do pioneers go before the army? To axe the way.

ARTISTS

Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described 9^ stepping into his shoes?

Because you make his feet yours (features).

-^Why should an artist never be short of cash? // he knows his business he can always draw money.

Why are artists like washerwomen?

Because they are not satisfied until their works are "hung on the line."

Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter*s studio as hot as an oven?

Because it is there that he makes his bread.

Why is an artist stronger than a horse?

Because he can draw the capital at Washington all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if necessary.

Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much water.

What does an artist like to draw best? His salary.

^ Why should painters never allow children to go into their studios ?

Because of them easels (the measles) which are there.

AUTHORS 45

AUCTIONS

How does an auctioneer look when conducting a sale? For-bidding.

What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for-bidding.

Why is credit not given at an auction?

Because all goods brought to the hammer must be paid for — on the nail!

What sort of face does the auctioneer like best? Face value.

Why is no country free?

Because anybody is liable to be sold by auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in.

^- Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness. One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail.

AUGERS

Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an auger-ill.

AUTHORS

What is the queerest animal there is?

An author, because his tail (tale) grows out of his head.

Why is an author like a Chinaman?

Because his tale (tail) comes out of his head.

Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers? Because they write about face.

What is the difference between a goose and an author? A goose has many quills, but an author can make a goose of him' self with one quill.

Why are writers apt to have the blues? Because they are so pensive.

46 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why are plagiarists like Long Branch hotel-keepers with newly- married couples?

Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible!

AUTOMOBILES

What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates.

Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social reprobate ?

Because he's too fast.

Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it reduces the speed of autos.

Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a reformed autoist?

Because he has suddenly given up motoring.

AVARICE

V Why is avarice like bad memory? Because it is always for getting.

BABIES

v* Why is a baby like wheat ?

It is first cradled, then thrashed, and at last becomes the flower (flour) of the family.

Which is bigger, Mr. Bigger, or Mr. Bigger's baby? The baby is a little Bigger.

Why is a new-born baby like a gale of wind? Because it begins with a squall.

When is the molasses wedding?

When the first baby is old enough to lick.

\ What is the difference between a young baby and a night cap? One is born to wed, and the other is worn to bed.

BABIES 47

Why is a crying baby like a sunflower? Because it's mostly yell-o(w).

Why is a new-born babe like a donkey's tail? Because it zvas never seen before.

What is the difference between a baby and a pair of shoes? One is what I was; the other is what I wear.

Why are young children like castles in the air ? Because their existence is only in-fancy.

Why are babies like soldiers in a campaign? Because they are infantry in arms.

Why does a baby boy always receive a hearty welcome in a family ?

Because it never comes a-miss.

When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing (teething).

What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor? One clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par.

Why is an infant like a diamond? It is a "dear little thing."

When is a baby most like a cherub? When it continually doth cry.

V What is the difference between a sixteen-ounce baby and a man writing energetically on his typewriter ?

One weighs a pound, and the other pounds away.

What is the difference between a person born in this country and one born in Germany ?

The one born in Germany comes here with his clothes on, and the one born in this country comes with his clothes off.

What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for the first born, the other for the last bourn!

What is the difference between a cow and a baby? One gives milk and the other drinks milk.

48 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

BACHELORS

Why doesn't a bachelor take a partner with him on the ocean of life?

Because he is afraid it might not be Pacific.

How do we know that bachelors are bad grammarians? Because they decline to conjugate.

Why are bachelors like old wood?

Because it is hard to get them started, but when they do take flame they burn prodigiously.

Why should timid bachelors marry widows? Because they can't marry amiss (a miss) then.

^ Why should a bachelor never marry a girl named Ann? "An" is always an indefinite article.

^ Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit half-dollar passed on

him want to get married? To get a better half.

^ Why is an old bachelor always in the right? Because he is never miss-taken.

What part of their infant tuition have old bachelors and old maids most profited by? Learning to go alone.

Why don't bachelors like the capital of Ireland? Because they don't "go in" for "Dublin."

Why are bachelors like criminals? Because they hate to go to "court."

BAKERS

» Why is a baker a most improvident person ?

Because he is continually selling that which he needs (kneads) himself.

Why is a baker like some very disreputable people? Because he's a loafer and a white-cap.

Why is a baker a faithful friend? Because he is a friend in knead.

BALDNESS 49

BALDNESS

Which is the nearer heaven, a bald-headed man or a man with thick hair?

The first, because there isn't a hair between him and heaven.

What is that which no man wants, but which if any man has he will not part with for untold wealth? A bald head.

Why don't women become bald as soon as men? Because they wear their hair longer.

Why is the first row in a theater called the "bald-headed" row? Because the occupants are scalped for their tickets.

Where should the American eagle sit in the theater? In the bald-headed row.

Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent singer ?

Because it is often terribly bawled (bald).

>/ Why is a bald head like heaven ?

Because it is a bright and shining spot, and there's no parting there.

Why is a bald-headed man like Paradise?

Because there will be no more parting or dying there.

What's good for a bald head? Plenty of hair.

Why is a bald-headed man like the North Pole? Because it is a great white bear (bare) spot.

What makes people bald-headed? Want of hair.

Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little "hare" go a great ivay.

What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head.

What is the difference between a bare head and a hair bed? One flees for shelter and the other is a shelter for fleas.

50 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What is the difference between a bald-headed man and an angler with only two "flies"?

One has a "bare pate" ; the other a "pair bait."

^ When is a bald-headed man apt to be reminded of his youthful days?

When he thinks of his top.

BALLOONS

Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible means of support.

Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an airy-naught (aeronaut).

Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied?

Because he rises rapidly in the world and has excellent pros- pects.

BANKRUPTCY

Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup? Because it is a liquidation of stock.

What is the difference between a bankrupt and a feather-bed? The one is "hard up" and the other is soft down.

Why are bankrupts more to be pitied than idiots?

Because bankrupts are broken, while idiots are only cracked.

What is the difference between a clock and a bankrupt? One goes right on when you wind it up, the other does not go on after it is wound up.

When may a country gentleman's property be said to consist of feathers ?

When his estates are all entails (hen tails).

Why is Brooklyn Bridge like a firm in trouble? Because it's suspended.

BANKS

What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a ship?

The latter is caused by the presence of rocks, the former by the scarcity of "rocks."

BASE-BALL 51

Why is an absconding bank cashier like an air gun ? Because he goes off loaded and makes no report.

Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the receiver is as bad as the thief.

• Why is a banker's clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is continually taking notes.

Why do bankers always hear the latest financial news? Because they have a cashier (cash ear).

BARBERS

♦ What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a sculptor ?

One curls up and dies and the other makes faces and busts.

Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very often.

BARRELS

In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel.

When is wine like a pig's tooth? When it is in a hog's head.

Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it "runs."

BASE-BALL

Where is the largest diamond in Boston kept? In the base-ball field.

What play had the longest run of the season? Base-ball.

When may a base-ball nine say its "cake is all dough"? When it does not have a good baiter.

Why is a base-ball umpire like a dog?

Because he wears a muzzle, snaps at flies, and is always chasing fowls.

52 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

BATHING

When does a bather capture a large bird? When he takes a duck in the water.

BATS

Which is the most dangerous bat that flies in the air? A brickbat.

BEARDS

When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action? When he wears a heavy beard and mustache.

BEAUTY

Why is a woman's beauty like a bank note? Because when once changed it soon goes.

What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.

How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is every- thing that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n!

BEDS

What is it everybody wants to own, yet no one wants to keep ? A-bed.

" Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one compelled to keep it?

He is bed-ridden.

Why is a bed cover like a blister? Because it's a counter-pane.

^"Why is a train of cars like a bed bug? They both run over sleepers.

When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a "roll" in bed.

BEES 5S

What is the last thing you take off before going to bed? Your feet from off the floor.

When does a bed become a vehicle ? When it is a little buggy.

^What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an impression.

Why do we all go to bed?

Because the bed will not come to us.

-When you go to bed, why are your slippers like a deferred reso- lution ?

Because they are put off till the next day.

Formed long ago, yet made to-day, I'm most in use when others sleep ; What few would like to give away, And none would like to keep. A bed.

Why are indolent persons' beds too short for them? Because they lie too long in them.

What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead.

When would a bed make the best hunting ground? When it is made anew for rest (a nezv forest).

How can you awake in the morning without an alarm clock? By listening to the bed-"ding" (not tick).

What heard the bed-tick? The chiffonier.

BEES

How do bees dispose of their honey? They put it in combs and sell (cell) it.

V Why did Johnny's teacher put him in the B class? Because he had hives.

What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato? None. One is a bee-holder; a bee-holder is a speck'd 'tatur, and a iPeck'd 'tatur is a bad potato.

54 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

When is a bee a great nuisance? When it is a humbug.

Why is a beehive like a spectator? Because it is a bee holder (beholder).

What's the difference between a bee and a donkey?

One gets all the honey, and the other all the whacks (wax).

What is there remarkable about a bee?

Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet generally carries its Point.

What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye?

One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a be-laboring.

Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because you unbusz-em (unbosom) !

Like which four letters of the alphabet is a honey-producing in- sect when in small health?

Like A B C D (a bee seedy).

BEGGARS

Why is a blind beggar like a wig? He is cur-led.

Why is a beggar like an attorney? Because he is a solicitor.

Why is a beggar like a baker? Because he needs (kneads).

Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants legs.

Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough before he gets another.

Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon ?

He's tor'd his clothes.

Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fisher- men?

Because they live by hook and by crook.

BIBLE «5

Why is a beggar mending his clothes like a rich man? Because he is making up his rents.

What class of people do I name when I say, "I can't improve"?

Mendicant (mend I can't).

BELLS

Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they make a noise whenever told.

What is the difference between a bell and an organ? One rings when it's told (tolled), but the other will be blowed first.

Why are bells used to call people to church ? Because they have an inspirc-ring influence.

Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite ? Because it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.

BIBLE

Who was the first girl mentioned in the Bible? Jenny Sis (Genesis).

Who was the first man? Chap. I. mentioned in Genesis.

^What time of day was Adam created? Just a little before Eve.

^Why was Adam's first day the longest? Because it had no Eve.

What sentence of three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve, which reads the same backwards and forwards ? "Madam, I'm Adam."

"' What was Adam's favorite popular song ? There's only one girl in this world for me.

Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd 'ad 'em (Adam).

Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.

56 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why did Adam bite the apple Eve offered to him? Because he had no knife.

^ When was gambling mentioned in the Bible? When Adam and Eve threw up a paradise (pair-o'-dice) for on apple.

- How do we know that they had a telephone in the garden of Eden?

Their number was 281 (two ate one) apple.

• Why was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company.

* What is the first family quarrel mentioned in the Bible? When Adam and Eve raised Cain.

What did Adam first plant in his garden? His foot.

What did he raise in his garden? Cain.

When were walking sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain.

At what season did Eve eat the apple ? Early in the fall.

Why didn't the ancients use slates and pencils?

Because the Lord told them to multiply on the face of the earth.

Do you know about the baseball game in the Bible? Eve stole first; Adam stole second; Gideon rattled the pitchers; Goliath was put out by David, and the prodigal son made a home run.

What five Old Testament characters in one family when named prove that Eve believed in corporal punishment? Adam, Seth, Eve, Cain, Abel.

How long did Cain hate his brother ? As long as he was Abel.

Why didn't Noah catch more fish than he did when in the ark? Because he only had two worms.

Who was the first electrician?

Noah. He made the ark (arc) light on Mt. Ararat.

BIBLE 57

^Why didn't they play cards in the Ark? Because Noah's wife sat on the deck.

• What kind of preserves did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs.

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives (archives).

^ How do we know that there was a pig in the ark ?

Because they had Ham.

V Why didn't the dog want to go in the ark? Because he had a bark (barque) of his ozvn.

v' How do we know that liquor was made in the ark?

Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and bruin (brewin') foU lowed soon after.

Where was Noah when the light went out? In d' ark.

Why did not the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remaining.

When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible? When the dove brought the green-back to the ark.

V What did Lot's wife turn to? Rubber.

'^ What did the children of Israel do for butter during the famine? Lot's wife looked back and was lost, and all the family but-her was saved.

If Lot had gotten too fresh, what could he have done? Gone back and licked his wife.

What did Lot do when he learned his wife's fate? Went out and got a fresh one.

Who had the first entrance into a theatre?

Joseph, when he was taken from the family circle and put in th€ pit.

^ Who was the straightest man in the Bible?

Joseph, because Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

58 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

^ When was tennis mentioned in the Bible ? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's Court.

Why were the brokers in the panic of 1773 like Pharaoh's daughter ?

They saved a little profit (prophet) from the rushes on the banks.

How were the Egyptians paid for the goods taken by the Israelites the night of their flight?

They received a check on the bank of the Red Sea.

^ Why should no man starve on the desert of Arabia? Because of the sandwiches (sand which is) there.

How came the sandwiches there ?

The tribe of Ham was bred there and mustered.

When was medicine mentioned in the Bible? When the Lord gave Moses two tablets.

When did Moses sleep five in a bed?

When he slept with his four fathers (forefathers).

What did Job's wardrobe consist of ? Three wretched comforters.

What man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun.

Why was Ruth rude to Boaz?

Because she pulled his ears and trod on his corn.

■- Why was Goliath surprised when the stone from David's sling hit him?

Because such a thing never entered his head before.

-^Who is the smallest man in the Bible? Bildad, the Shu-hite (shoe-height).

V When was the automobile mentioned in the Bible? When Elijah "went up on high."

Who was the strongest man in the Bible?

Jonah, because the whale couldn't hold him after he got him down.

How did Jonah feel when the whale swallowed him? He felt down in the mouth.

BIBLE 59

What did he think when the whale swallowed him ? He thought he zvas going to blubber, but he didn't.

Who was Jonah's tutor?

The whale who brought him up.

Why did the whale throw up Jonah?

Because Jonah was not ready to digest (die just) yet.

How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey one of the divine commandments ?

Jonah was a stranger and he took him in.

If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A bee-attitude.

Who was the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? The barren (Baron) fig tree.

When was Paul a baker ?

When he zvent to Phillipi (fill a pie).

Why is Satan always a gentleman?

Because being the imp-o' -darkness, he can never be imp-o'-hte.

What animal existed before the creation? The great K-hoss (Chaos).

Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam; because he was first in the htmian race.

Was mother Eve high or low church? Adam thought her Evangelical.

Why should Adam have been the happiest of husbands? Because he had no mother-in-law.

What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each of his children? Parents.

Who ate the first apple? The first pair (pear).

Who first invented gambling in the world?

Adam and Eve, zvhen they left the Garden of Eden they left a Paradise (pair a' dice) behind them.

60 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What great corporation does Eve represent? Adam's Express Company.

When was fruit known to use bad language? When the first apple cursed the first pair (pear).

How were Adam and Eve gotten out of the garden? They were snaked out.

What proof have we that Adam used sugar? He raised Cain.

How were Adam and Eve kept from gambling?

Their pair of dice (paradise) was taken away from them.

What is the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc? One was made of gopher wood, and the other was Maid of Orleans.

Where did Noah strike the first nail in the Ark? On its head.

When was meat first introduced into the navy? When Noah took Ham into the ark.

Which of the animals took the most baggage into the ark? The elephant, for he carried his trunk.

•» What animal took the most money into the ark, and how much? The duck had a hill, the frog a green back, all of them four quarters; but the skunk had four quarters and a s-cent — $i.oi

Who was the first successful financier?

Noah, when he floated a company when everybody else was in a state of liquidation.

How did they illuminate the ark? With arc-lights.

When was paper money first used?

When the dove brought the green-hack to Noah.

In what numerical order did Noah leave the Ark? He came forth (fourth).

Why was the elephant late in leaving the ark? Because he stopped to pack his trunk.

BIBLE 61

When was B the first letter in the alphabet? In the days of No-a (Noah).

•' Why was Pharaoh's daughter hke the Wall street merchants? She found a little prophet in rushes on the bank.

Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a retired milkman? Because she got a little prophet (profit) out of the ivater.

Why was Moses the most wicked man that ever lived? Because he broke all the commandments at once.

What was the first banking transaction?

When Pharaoh received a check on the bank of the Red Sea that had previously been crossed by Moses.

What did the Egyptians do when they found themselves in the dark?

They turned on the Israe-lites.

Why should Samson have made a good actor? Because he could so easily bring down a house.

What proof have we that they had sewing in the time of David f Because he was hemmed in on all sides.

How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale? He was down in the mouth and went to blubber.

When was the first game of cards played in the Bible? When Neb-euchered-nezzar.

When is base-ball first mentioned in the Bible? When the prodigal son made a home run.

Why are the Jews of the old law like bad debts? Because they killed the prophets (profits).

Who were the first noblemen mentioned in the Bible? Barren (Baron) fig tree, Lord how long, and Count thy days.

Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet? She has little on 'er in her own country.

Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old?

Because having eyes they see not, and having ears they hear not.

62 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that sne is "as beautiful as an angel"?

Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be very ancient.

Why is the world like a slate?

Because the children of men do multiply thereon.

Why are little children like cherubim? Because they "continually do cry."

Who was the first that bore arms? Adam.

What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear skin (bare skin).

'^What kind of clothes did Adam and Eve wear in Paradise? Bare-skin.

What most reminds us of old Mother Eve in our daily life? A spare rib.

Where was the first Adams Express Company located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve was created.

Spell "Adam's Express Company" with three letters. E-v-e.

What did Adam and Eve live on? On Terra fir ma.

What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from Eden? They "raised Cain."

What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the expulsion ?

Adam ain't in (adamantine).

What was the first gift made by woman? A Cain, given to Adam by Eve.

The following is a good sell if properly led up to: Who was the first man? Adam?

Who was the first woman? Eve.

Who killed Cain? The answer will very likely be Abel.

BIBLE 63

When were there only two vowels ?

In the days of No-a (Noah), before U and I were born.

What is the difference between Noah's ark and an archbishop? One was a high ark, but the other is a hierarch.

What two animals carried the least into the ark? The fox and cock, because they carried only a brush and comb between them.

In what place did the cock crow when all the world could hear him?

In Noah's ark.

Why was Noah like a hungry cat?

Because he went forty days and forty nights without finding Ararat.

Why was Noah in the Ark like a disappointed rat-catcher? Because it was forty days before he saw ere-a-rat (Ararat),

What did the spider do when he left the ark? He took a fly and went home.

What reason have we to think that Moses wore a wig? Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron and sometimes with- out 'Air on (hair on).

Why were the early rulers of Israel called judges? Because they presided over a Jewry.

Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the Bible?

Samson, because he brought the house down filled with his enemies,

Where did the witch of Endor live? At Endor.

^ Who was a very short man spoken of in the Bible ? Nehemiah (knee-high Miah).

What one word in the Bible represents the father calling his son and the son's answering? Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad).

What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but died without a soul ?

The whale that swallowed Jonah.

64 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why was the daughter of Ilerodias the fastest girl mentioned in Scripture ?

Because she got a-head of John the Baptist on a charger.

In the opinion of a negro preacher, why did Jesus learn the car- penter's trade?

That he might build mansions for his people in heaven.

What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles.

Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy.

N/What encouragement does the Bible give to a tobacco chewer? He that is filthy let him be filthy still.

What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness.

Why is the printing press like the tree of life?

It brings forth leaves for the healing of the nations.

What does a man see every day that God never sees? His equal.

In what respect do modern customs differ materially from ancient ones?

Formerly there were hewers of wood and drawers of water; now Ufe have drawers of wood and ewers of water!

Which were made first, elbows or knees? Knees — beasts were created before men.

^Why is man superior to woman? Because woman is only a side issue.

At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve.

Why was Adam's wife called Eve?

Because man's day of happiness zvas drawing to a close.

What one word will name the common parent of both beast and man?

A-damI

BIBLE 65

If Adam and Eve and Pinch me went down to the river to bathe. And Adam and Eve were drowned, whom do you think would be saved ?

Pinch me. When your friend says pinch me, you must do so.

Why is a printing-press like the forbidden fruit? Because from it springs a knowledge of good and evil.

When Cain slew his brother, what suitable ejaculation from his lips would have also expressed his liability to punishment? Amen-abcl (amenable).

Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the Ark? Because, although the Ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch) .

How is it that Methuselah was the oldest man, when he died be- fore his father ?

His father zvas translated.

If Richard Jones were milking a cow too quickly, what ancient name would that animal mention ? Milk-easy-Dick (Melchisedek).

What did the sky-terrier do when he came out of the ark? He went smelling about for ere-a-rat (Ararat) that was there to he found.

In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic (Hebraic).

If you become surety at a police-court for the re-appearance of prisoners, why are you like the most extraordinary ass that ever lived? Because you act the part of a donkey to bail'em (Balaam).

What ancient king was often literally in his contemporaries' mouths ? A-gag!

How many soft-boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat upon an empty stomach ?

One, after which his stomach was not empty.

WTio was hung for not wearing a wig? Absalom!

What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? One was king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.

66 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a rich milkman? Because he got a great prophet (profit) out of water.

Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Scripture? The widow's mite and the wicked flee.

What nation is it which when allied with us becomes the very home of despair? Tartar-US !

Why was Adam of more consequence than Eve? Eve was nothing but a side issue.

What material was Eve's wedding-dress made of? Bear skin (bare skin).

Why didn't Adam and Eve have any molasses? Because they tried to raise Cain before they got Abel.

Why is an crange peel on a sidewalk like an apple? Because they have both given man a tumble.

Why are apples the enemies of pears?

Because it was an apple that drove a pair out of the Garden of Eden.

Who sounded the first bell? Cain, when he hit A-bel.

When was Noah in America? When he was on the Ark-and-saw.

What man mentioned in the Scripture felt the worst? Jonah — "He was down in the mouth for days."

What is the difference between Nineveh and a donkey-boy? One is in Assyria, the other is an ass-hurryer !

Why is your nose like St. Paul's? Because it is made of flesh.

When was the theatrical business first spoken of in the Bible? When Eve appeared for Adam's benefit.

BICYCLES

Why do we call a fast bicycle rider a "scorcher"?

Because he goes out at a hot pace, makes pedestrians boiling mad.

BIOGRAPHY 67

warms up the police, gets roasted in court, and thinks it is a burning shame.

Why is a nursery pin like a detective's bicycle ? Because it is a chainless safety for secret service.

Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles).

BIOGRAPHY

What was the name of Washington's valet? Valley Forge.

Why was Washington buried standing ? Because he couldn't lie.

^ When did Washington first take a carriage? When he took a hack at the cherry tree.

How do we know that Bonaparte was in funds after the battle of Leipsic ?

Because he had received a check on the bank of the Elbe.

What author was also an American general? Sheridan.

^'When did Dewey cease to be an admiral? When he became his wife's second mate.

What did Sheridan say when he entered a room, the seats of which were all occupied?

"Will anyone move that I may take the chair?"

•'Why can we send no more dispatches to Washington? Because he is dead.

Why should Mr. Heinz not be asked to be judge at a beauty show ?

Because he would pick-a-lilly.

Why is Gillott a very wicked man?

Because he makes people steal (steel) pens and they say that they do right (write).

When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).

68 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What does Washington, D. C, stand for? Washington, Daddy of his Country.

What killed Julius Caesar? Roman punches.

My first two are what Gladstone wanted; my last two are what Gladstone hated ; my whole expresses what Gladstone was. Reformatory.

Captain Cook made three voyages around the world, and he was killed in one of these voyages. In which voyage was he killed? Last one.

What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans f

What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake.

Why is the death of Socrates like a garret? It is an Attic story.

Where did Caesar go on his thirty-ninth birthday? Into his fortieth year.

What's the difference between the Duke of Wellington and Jonah? One was brought up at Eton; the other was eaten and brought u^

Why has Blondin the most wonderful digestion? Because he lived on a rope and thrived.

What American has had the largest family? Washington, the "Father of his Country."

Why was Rossini a very unnatural son? Because he made a Stab-at Mater.

What poet does everybody want? Moore (more).

"* Why was Lord Nelson like a coward?

Because the last thing Nelson did was to die for his country, and that's about the last thing a coward will do.

We say: "Strike while the iron is hot." But what did Cromwell say?

"Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot."

BIRDS 69

Lincoln was asked how lonp a man's legs ought to be to be the most serviceable ? What was his answer ? Long enough to reach the ground.

Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like a bird's nest? Because it was built by a zvren (Sir Christopher Wren).

Can you tell me of what parentage Napoleon L was ? Of course I can! (Of Corsican).

Archimedes said, "Give me a standing place and I will move the earth with a lever." Goethe solved the problem. How? Make good thy standing-place and move the world.

BIRDS

v' Why do birds clean out a fruit tree so quickly? Because they take away a peck at a time.

What small bird is large enough to overcome a man? A lark.

Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are all over-due (dew).

What bird can lift the heaviest weight? The crane.

When does a cherry fail in business? When the red-breast sends in its robin-bill.

My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is a bird. Whip-poor-will.

Why do little birds in their nest agree? For fear of falling out.

What bird is rude? The mocking bird.

Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes.

What bird is low-spirited? Thf blue-bird.

70 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why does a sparrow resemble india-rubber? Because he is a gutter percher (gutta percha).

What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock.

When is a house like a bird? When it has wings.

How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high time after dark.

Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him.

*' What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary birds.

What birds move in the highest circles? Eagles.

If you saw a bird sitting on a twig and you wished to get the twig without disturbing the bird, what would you do? IVait till he flew off.

Why is a canary like a collier?

Because he is caged up all day and has to peck for his living.

Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness? Because it is a high soar (eye-sore).

What is that thing, and the name of a bird, which if we had not we should die? A swallow.

In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In polly-silly-bills.

Why are birds' nests like beds? Because they are laid in.

When is a pigeon like a glass? When it's a tumbler.

How do canary birds pay for themselves? By giving their notes.

BLINDNESS 71

BLACKSMITHS

Why are blacksmiths undesirable citizens? Because they forge and steel (steal) daily.

What insect does a blacksmith manufacture? He makes the fire-fly.

Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed?

Because one is a horsc-shoer and the other is a sure horse.

Why is a smith like a boatman? He handles the ore (oar).

Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he's always on the strike for wages.

Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery.

Why is a blacksmith the most likely person to make money by causing the alphabet to quarrel?

Because he makes A poke-R and shove-L, and gets paid for so

doing.

BLINDNESS

Why are blind people compassionate? Because they feel for other people.

• What was it a blind man took at breakfast which restored his sight ?

He took a cup and saw, sir (saucer).

Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot?

The old adage says, out of sight out of mind.

Why can a blind man always see his father? Because the father is always apparent (a parent).

What is the difference between a blind man and a disabled sailor ? One can't see to go and the other can't go to sea (see).

•/ What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would arrest him if he did not move on? I'd just like to see you.

72 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he say?

/ have no i-dea (eye, dear).

Why are a pin and a poker like a blind man? Because they have a head and no eyes.

What is that, though blind itself, guides the blind?

A staff or stick.

Who are they that feel most for their friends? The blind.

Why should the first expression of a blind man, when he has re- covered his sight, be characterized by coldness? Because it would be icy (I see).

BLONDES

'•What is most likely to become a fair-haired woman? Why, a fair-haired little girl.

BLOWS

Why is a thump like a hat? Because it is felt.

BLUSHING

Why is a blush like a young lady? Because it becomes a woman.

Why is a blush an anomaly?

Because a woman who blushes is admired for her cheek.

BOARDERS

What host has the strangest guest? The one that boards a ship.

BOARDS OF TRADE

Why is the board of trade a den of wild beasts? The members are bulls and bears.

BONES 73

BOASTING

Why is a boaster like an india-rubber ball? Because he is empty and full of bounce.

Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the washing fluid?

Because he has swallowed the lye.

BOATS

Why cannot a New York tug boat go straight? Because some tow in, and the others tow out.

When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is a-drift.

How would you increase the speed of a slow boat? Make her fast.

Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways.

When does a waterman resemble an Indian? When he feathers his scull.

Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-zvake behind.

Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a sudden squall?

Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be sold.

BOILS

^This riddle was suggested by Josh Billings: "Where is the best place to have a boil?" On another fellow.

BONES

When do broken bones begin to make themselves useful? When they begin to knit.

74 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

BOOKKEEPERS

Why are bookkeepers like hens?

Because they have to scratch for a living.

BOOKS

When is the best time to read a book? When autumn turns the leaves.

Why is an interesting book like a hard drinker's nose? Because it's read (red) to the very end.

How may bookkeeping be taught in a lesson of three words? Never lend them.

What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is.

When are houses like books? When they have stories in them.

Why is an unbound book like a young lady in bed? It is in sheets.

How do you pronounce V O L I X ? Volume nine.

Why are books your best friends?

Because, when they bore you, you can shut them up without giving cffence.

Who are the best bookkeepers? The people who never return a hook.

Why is a book like a king? It has many pages.

What's the difference between a cat and a book? One has the claws at the end of the paws, and the other has the pause at the end of the clause.

Why are the pages of a book like the days of man? Because they are numbered.

Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title.

BOXING 75

Why are parliamentary reports called "Blue Books"? Because they are never re(ajd.

Why is this charming book like giving you your choice of two sorts of meat for dinner?

Because it's beef or ewe (before you).

When is a blue book not a blue book? When it's read (red) of course.

What is the best book? A pocketbook.

BORES

Why is a great bore like a tree? Because both appear best when leaving.

Why is a talkative young man like a young pig?

Because, if he lives, he is likely to become a great bore (boar).

Why is a plausible but prosy man like an unrifled gun? Because he's a smooth bore.

BORROWING

How can you make a tall man short? Borrow five dollars of him.

BOTTLES

If I have a bottle nearly filled with water and well corked, how can I get out the water without drawing the cork or breakmg the

bottle ?

Pressing the cork in the bottle.

BOXES

^Why is a match-box without matches superior to all other boxes? It is matchless.

BOXING

When is a boxer's eye like a barrel? When it's bunged up.

76 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What is the difference between a millionaire and a prize-fighter?

One makes money hand over fist while the other makes his fist hand over money.

What is the difference between a box of shoe polish and a negro sparring ?

One is a box of blacking and the other is a black a-boxing.

What is the difference between a pugilist and a lap dog? One faces the licks, and the other licks the face.

What is the difference between a pugilist and a man with a cold? One knozvs his blozvs, and the other blows his nose.

Why should pugilists be treated with contempt? Because they are too close-fisted.

Why is a tumbler like a pugilist?

Because he can't get his living without some assaults (summer- saults).

BOYS

Why is a bad schoolboy like a postage stamp?

Both have to be licked to make them stick to their letters.

What is the difference between a bad schoolboy and a postage stamp ?

One you lick with a stick and the other you stick with a lick.

Why is a very hungry boy like a common grub? Each makes the butter fly.

When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He gets wet.

How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell "Oh!" (yellow).

Why is a mischievous boy like a bottle of patent medicine? When taken, must be well shaken.

'^ What is the west side of a little boy's trousers ? Where the son sets.

Why is a school boy being flogged like your eye? Because he is a pupil under the lash.

i ,

BOYS 77

How does the postage-stamp have the advantage of the small boy? It can never be licked but once.

Why is a school boy like a postage stamp ? Because he gets licked and put in a corner.

What two letters do boys delight in, to the annoyance of their

elders ?

Two T's.

When is a boy not a boy? When he is abed.

When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick.

When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the preserves.

When are boys like bears? When barefooted.

What is the difference between a boy "over whose head twelve summers have passed," and a man taking a nap? One is twelve, the other a dozing (dozen).

What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It must work or it can't play.

What is the difference between a school boy studying his lessons and a farmer watching his cows?

One is stocking his mind and the other is minding his stock.

What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they are green or old?

He is what we call a pains-taking youngster.

If a good boy wears his pants out what will he do? Wear them in again.

Why is a bad boy like cake?

Because a good beating makes him better.

What changes a lad into a lady? The letter Y.

What does the letter B do for boys as they advance in years? As they grow older it makes them bolder.

78 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is a healthy boy like the United States? Because he possesses a good constitution.

BRAINS

^ What animal has the most brains ?

A hog, because he has a hogshead full of them.

BRAVERY

•^When does even the bravest heart turn to stone? When it becomes a little bolder.

BREAD

Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises from the (y)east.

Why is a loaf of bread four weeks old like a rat running into a hole?

Because you can see its tail (stale).

BREATH

What is that which you cannot hold ten minutes, although it is as light as a feather? Your breath.

BRIDGES

What is the smallest bridge in the world r The bridge of your nose.

What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge.

What bridge has never been walked on? The bridge of the nose.

What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle.

If the Forth Bridge were to collapse, what would they do? Construct a fifth.

BUTCHERS 79

BRUNETTES

Why does a brunette's face resemble a wet day? It is not fair.

BUGS

Which is the largest bug? Humbug.

BUILDINGS

-. What is the highest pubHc building in Boston? The public library has the most stories.

BURGLARS

V If a burglar got into a cellar, would the coal shoot (chute) ? No, the kindling would (wood).

BUSSES

^What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses.

Why is an omnibus on a wet day like a medical student? Because it is crammed and allowed to pass.

Why ought an omnibus to be considered secure from lightning? Because it has a conductor.

BUTCHERS

What tradesman should always be prosperous?

The sausage-maker, because he makes both ends meet (meat).

Why are butchers thieves ?

Because they steal a knife and cut azvay with it.

Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his calves there.

Why is a butcher's cart like his stockings ? Because he carries his calves there.

80 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

^ Why does the butcher's wife always keep the books ? Because the business is a joint affair.

Why is a butcher at work Hke a man driving a sleigh ? Because he is slaying.

BUTTER

I

What is the difference between man and butter? \

The older a man gets the weaker he gets, but the older the butter ;

is the stronger it is.

V When is butter like Irish children ? When it is made into Utile pats.

BUTTER-FLIES

What is the difference between a butter-fly and a volcano ? In the latter the lava comes out of the crater, in the former the "crater*' comes out of the larva.

BUTTONS

** Give a good definition of a button. A small affair that is always coming off,

CABLES

What is the deepest and coldest laid scheme? The Atlantic cable.

CABS

Why should a cabman be brave?

Because none but the brave deserve the fair (fare).

I

Why do cabmen prefer tall ladies to short ones ?

Because the higher the fare (fair) the better they like it.

Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in?

Because the cabman always drives over your head.

When is a disengaged cab like a Yankee witness? When it is on the stand.

CANDY 81

If a cab is hired by a woman that has "seen better days," why may the cabman be said to lose? He has a "reduced fare" (fair).

CANDLES

Why is it impossible for a candle maker to be Rood? Because all his zvorks are wick-ed, and when brought to light are only made light of.

When are candles and women most alike? When sputtering.

What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more snufT he takes ?

A pair of snuffers.

What do we do when, to increase the effect, we diminish the

cause ?

Snuff the candle.

When is a candle in a passion?

When it is put out or when it flares up.

I lived upon my own substance and died when I had devoured my- self.

A candle.

Little Miss Nannycot, in a white petticoat and a red nose ; the longer she stands the shorter she grows. Candle.

When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away.

Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked.

Which burns longer, a wax or a tallow candle? Neither; both burn shorter.

CANDY

Why is a stick of candy like a race horse? The more you lick each the faster it goes.

82 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What is the cheapest candy?

Horehound, because the advertisement of it reads constantly, *'Horehound drops lO cents a lb."

CANES

When does a cane take the place of a man's head? When he hangs his hat upon it.

CANNIBALS

What soup do cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.

What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash man ate a rasher!

What is a man that eats his mother-in-law? Gladiator (glad he ate her).

CANNON

What are the features of a cannon? Cannon-mouth, cannon-ise, and cannon-eers.

Why are cannon like trees? People plant them and they shoot.

CARDS

^ What is that which is often brought to table, always cut, but never iten? A pack of cards.

When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack.

What game of cards is most played by soldiers ? Hazard or picket.

Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every suit.

What is the hardest thing to deal with? An old pack of cards.

CARPETS 85

Why is a game of cards like a timber-yard? Because there are always a great many deals in it.

CARPENTERS

' Why was the carpenter who fell through a scaffold complimented by his employer?

Because he zvent through his work so promptly.

When is a carpenter like circumstances? When he alters cases.

Why is a retired carpenter like a lecturer ? Because he is an ex-planer.

Why are you better-looking than a carpenter? Because he is a deal plainer (planer).

Why do carpenters have great faith in sooth-sayers ? They cannot work without an auger (augur).

Why is a carpenter that has mislaid his tools like a rich man that has lost his all?

Because both have lost their all (awl).

When is an honest carpenter a villain? When counter fitting.

V Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone ?

Because they never saiu it.

There was a carpenter who made a cupboard-door ; it proved too big ; he cut it, and unfortunately then he cut it too little ; he there- upon cut it again, and made it fit beautifully ; how was this ?

He didn't cut it enough the first time.

Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a good deal board.

CARPETS

What is that which is bought by the yard and worn by the foot? A carpet.

Why is a sleepy man like a carpet? He will have his nap.

84 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

CARS

What is the difference between the sidewalk and an electric car? Five cents.

Why are the passengers of an electric car like the current? Because they make the car-go.

Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go.

Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you a-light.

Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket ? It is a "fare" thing.

Why does a woman press a street car button with her thumb and a man with his finger?

To stop the car, of course.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs ? Hailing street cars.

CASHIERS

What is the difference between a cashier and a school-master? One tills the mind, while the other minds the till.

CATERPILLARS

Why is a caterpillar like a pancake?

Because it's the grub that makes the butter-fly.

When does a caterpillar improve in morals? When he turns over a new leaf.

CATS

* What is the difference between a cat and a match? The cat lights on its feet, and the match on its head.

What makes a cat walk softly ? Oh, rats!

CATS 85

Why is a cat like the world? It's fur from one end to the other.

Why does a puss purr ?

For an obvious purr-puss (purpose).

How many tails has a cat?

Three. No cat has two tails; one cat has one more tail than no cat, therefore one cat has three tails.

How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail.

What does a cat have that no other animal has? Kittens.

Why are cats like unskilful surgeons?

Because they mew-till-late, and destroy patients (patience).

What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat ? A kitten.

Why is a kitten biting her own tail like a good manager ? Because she makes both ends meet.

What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip.

What kind of a cat do we usually find in a large library ? A cat-alogue.

Why is a cat on her hind legs like a waterfall? She is a cat-erect (cataract).

Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because she's a-mounting (a mountain).

What is the difference between a cat and a document? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its clauses.

Why does a cat rest better in summer ?

Because summer brings a cat-a-piUow (caterpillar).

Why does a cat look on first one side and then another when she enters a room?

Because she can't look on both sides at the same time.

86 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is a cat like a tattling person? Because it is a tail-bearer (tale-bearer).

Why is a black cat looking out of a garret window of a corner house like an orange? Because it looks round.

CATTLE

When is a cow not a cow ? When it is turned into a pasture.

When does a cow become real estate? When she is turned into a field.

What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey).

When was beef the highest that it has ever been? When the cow jumped over the moon.

How do we know that the cow jumped over the moon? By the Milky-way.

What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? A cowslip.

Why is a mad bull of a very convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to all he meets.

What was it that lived to see Christmas, didn't see New Year's^ and died in the Spring?

A calf that was drowned in a spring between Christmas and New Year's.

Why should you always choose white cows?

Because it is no use milking those that are dun before you begin^

Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.

Why does a calf wag it's tail? Because it wants to.

When does a cow change places with her keeper ? When she bellows, for then she is a cow herd.

CHARADES 87

What domestic animal has cannibalistic tendencies ? The cow, because it always wants to eat its fodder.

CAUTION

Why is a cautious, prudent man like a pin ? Because his head prevents him from going too far.

CEMETERIES

On which side of a country church is the graveyard always situ- ated?

On the outside, of course.

CHAIRS

When does a chair dislike you? When it can't bear you.

When is a chair like a lady's dress ? When it's sat -in.

When is a chair treated spitefully?

When you have it caned simply because it cannot bear you.

Why is an old chair that has a new bottom put to it like a paid

bill?

Because it has been re-seated (receipted).

Why is an uncomfortable seat like comfort? Because it is devoid of ease (e's).

CHARADES

My first is what my second is not ; my whole you put in a corner. What-not.

My first is a reflection, my second not so much, and my whole none at all? Thought-less.

Upon what musical instrument are the most High Church people skilful performers?

The cymbals (Symbols).

88 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

My whole is a noted commentator. If you behead him he is a singing bird. If you behead the bird, you have a famous old ship. Clark, lark, ark.

My first is a point, my second a span. In my whole often ends the greatness of man. Dotage.

My first makes company, My second shuns company, My third assembles company, My whole puzzles company. Co-nun-drum.

My first denotes equality, my second, inferiority, and my whole superiority. Matchless.

My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my whole is a flower.

Prim-rose.

In my first my second sat, my third and fourth I ate? In-sat-i-ate !

When is a charade like a fir-tree?

When you get a deal bored (board) from its length.

My whole is a sea-monster. If you behead him, he becomes an American clergyman. Then, if you behead the clergyman, you have an English beverage.

Whale, hale, ale.

^ My number, definite and known,

Is ten times ten, told ten times o'er; Though half of me is one alone,

And half exceeds all count and score. Thousand.

You name me once, and I am famed For deeds of noble daring ;

You name me twice, and I am found In savage customs sharing? Tar-tar.

When you stole my first, I lost my second, and you are the only person to give me my whole. Hearts-ease I

CHARADES 89

Complete I betoken the presence of death, Devoid of all symptoms of life-fiiving breath; But banish my tail, and, surpassingly strange, Life, ardor, and courage, I get by the change? Corpse; corps.

My first doth affliction denote,

Which my second is destined to feel

But my whole is the sure antidote

That affliction to soothe and to heal. Wo-man !

Water soft is my first, water hard is my second, Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd. Liquor-ice (licorice).

My first is my second and my whole. Pa-pa.

*' My first of anything is half. My second is complete ; And so remains until once more My first and second meet. Semi-circle.

What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one bringing the other, but which if we do get them the one bring- ing the other, we are unhappy?

Mis-fortune !

My first a baby does when you pinch it; My second a lady says when she doesn't mean it; My third exists and no one e'er has seen it ; And my whole contains the world's best half within it? Cri-no-line.

An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet, Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate; And when he set off running, an Irishman was he, Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree? Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, currant!

My first may to a lady be a comfort or a bore.

My second, where you are, you may for comfort shut the door. My whole will be a welcome guest

Where tea and tattle yield their zest. Mujf-in.

90 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Upon a hill there is a mill, by this mill there is a walk, under this walk there is a key.

Milwaukee.

•

From a number that's odd cut off the head,

It then will even be. Its tail, I pray, next take away.

Your mother then you'll see. Seven — even — Eve.

By well employing my second you will never regret my first, and you will the more thoroughly enjoy my whole?

Past-time!

Three letters three rivers proclaim; Three letters an ode give to fame; Three letters an attribute name; Three letters a compliment claim.

Ex Wye Dee, LEG (elegy), Energy, and You excel!

My first's a dirty little brute, My second's at the end on't; My third like many an honest man, Is on a fool dependent. Pig-tail.

I came to a field and couldn't get through it, So I went to a school and learned how to do it? Fence.

My first I hope you are. My second I see you are, My whole I know you are. Wel-come.

My first is a bit of butter, My next a bit of mutton.

My whole a little shutter, Put on to pinch a glutton. A but-ton.

My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for my whole is a State of America. '

Tennessee.

Look in the papers, I'm sure to appear; Look in the oven, perhaps I am there ;

CHARADES 91

Sometimes I assist in promoting a flame, Sometimes I extinguish — now, reader, my name? Puff.

Take away one letter from me, and I murder ; take away two and I probably shall die, if my whole does not save me? Kill— ill— skill!

My love for you will never know My first, nor get my second :

'Tis like your wit and beauty, so My whole 'twill aye be reckoned. End-less!

Without my first you'd look very strange ;

My second you much want to be ; My whole is what many a lady has worn

At a ball, an assembly, or play? Nose-gay!

May my first never be lost in my second, To prevent me enjoying my whole. Friend-ship,

My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of the deep. Her-ring.

The cat did my first, with a curl of her tail, When the game she had made quite secure

By means of my second, and not of my whole, As she ought to have done, I am sure? Pur-chase!

My first is what mortals ought to do ; My second is what mortals have done; My whole is the result of my first. Love-err (lover).

My second belongs to my first; but my whole has nothing to do with either my first or my second. Hogs-head.

My first is myself in a short little word. My second's a puppet, and you are "my third." I-dol

92 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

My first I do, and my second— when I say you are my whole— I do not?

Love-lie (lovely).

My first is irrational, My second is rational, My third mechanical, My whole scientific? Horse-man-ship.

My first, a messenger of gladness; My last, an instrument of sadness ;

My whole looked down upon my last and smiled

Upon a wretch disconsolate and wild. But when my whole looked down and smiled no more, That wretch's frenzy and his pain were o'er. Sun-beam.

If you take my second from my first, you will my whole the length of the animal in question. Cur-tail.

My second contains my first; and, therefore, it is my whole.

Light-house.

What's that? what's that? Oh, I shall faint.

Call, call the priest to lay it! Transpose it, and to king and saint,

And great and good you pay it? Spectre; respect.

When my first is broken, it stands in need of my second, and my whole is part of a lady's dress? Rib-band.

I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it ; But those who are in, entirely are out of it. Sane — insane.

If you were my first, and I were my whole. My second might go where he pleased ; For you'd be caressed, and I should be blessed, And the rest of my life would be eased. (And the wheels of life's cart would be greased.) Bride-groom.

My first is a circle, my second a cross, If you meet with my whole look out for a toss. Ox.

CHEATING gs

Never make my first and second in any cause which you are afraid to my whole.

A-vow.

My second worried my first, and proved himself my whole. Bull-dog.

Fifty is my first, nothing is my second, Five just makes my third, my fourth's a vowel reckoned; Now, to fill my whole, put all my parts together, I die if I get cold, but never mind cold weather. L-O-V-E.

My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, and my whole is part of a ship. Cab-in.

A word there is five syllables contains ; Take one away, — not one of them remains ! Mo-no-syllable.

My first is a vowel. My second may be a sound, or not a sound ; it may be high or low, moral or wicked, loud or soft. My whole is the best sign of repentance.

A-tone.

CHARITY

On what condition would all men be charitable? // they would see ten per cent, in it.

Where does charity begin? At C (Sea).

When is charity like a top? When it begins to hum.

Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table?

Char-i-table.

Why is cold weather productive of benevolence? It makes people put their hands in their pockets.

CHEATING

\Vhen is a man hospitable and a cheat at the same time? When he takes you in.

94 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

When are bunco men like leopards? When spotted.

Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests.

CHEESE

What most resembles the half of a cheese? The other half.

CHEMISTS

Why is it impossible to have the last word with a chemist? Because he alzuays has a retort.

Why are chemists and alchemists both of the feminine gender? Because one is an analyser (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte Ann).

Why would a tanner make a good chemist? Because he understands ox (h)ides.

CHESS

Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves.

What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper ?

One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.

What sort of men are most above board in their movements ? Chessmen.

CHICKENS

What kind of a hen lays the longest? A dead hen.

Why are hens a very profitable investment? Because for every grain they eat they give a peck.

Why is it that a hen always crosses over the wagon marks in the street ?

Because it's too long to go round.

CHICKENS 95

Of what is a person thinking when partaking of a chicken din- ner?

Some foul (fowl) proceeding.

Why have chickens no fear of a future state?

Because they have their next zvorld (necks twirled) in this.

"^ If a little chicken could speak, and found an orange in its nest, what would it say?

Oh! look at the orange marma-lade!

Why is a hen immortal? Because her son never sets.

How can you tell the age of a hen? By the teeth (your own, of course).

Why is a chicken pie like a gunsmith's shop? Because there's a fowl-in- pieces in it.

What is the difference between a hen with one wing, and a hen with two?

A difference of a pinion (opinion).

Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay wherever you put her.

What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at pleasure, the other plays at leisure.

What is most like a hen stealing? A cock robbing (cock-robin).

Why does a hen cross the road? To get on the other side.

Why does a hen never preach? Because she belongs to the lay element.

Behind the barn at early morn

I heard a herald blow his horn.

His beard was flesh, his mouth was horn,

The like of him was never born.

Rooster. (Hatched, not born.)

Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny?

Because his head's on one side and tail's on the other.

96 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

V Why does a hen lay an egg? Because she can't lay a brick.

Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be fowl language.

Why does a hen fly over the fence ? Can't go around it.

When is a fowl's neck like a bell ? When it's rung for dinner.

How can you keep a rooster from crowing on Sunday? Get him stuffed Saturday night.

I

Why should cocks be the smoothest birds known? Because they always have a comb about them.

Which is the mother of the chick, the hen that laid the egg, or the one that hatched it? The hen that laid the egg.

^ Why does a hen lay eggs only in the daytime? Because she is a rooster at night.

Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it's a little ahead of the main hatch.

Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is a foul proceeding.

What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other.

When is a chicken drunk? When it is stewed.

When a chicken goes to roost, what weapon does it resemble ? A fowl in peace.

What is the difference between a chicken who can't hold its head up and seven days ?

One is a weak one, and the other is one week.

When is a chicken a perfect glutton? When it takes a peck at a time.

Why is a cock-fight the fairest kind of sport? Because it is no fowl play.

CHIMNEYS 97

CHILDREN

Why should children mind their P's and Q's?

To discover the difference between being polite and quiet and being pert and quarrelsome.

What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain.

Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their existence is only in fancy.

Why is a dirty child like flannel? Because it shrinks from washing.

What class of people are wax and marble ?

Children. Wax to receive an impression and marble to retain ii

^ now can you make a thin child fat?

Throw him out the window and he'll come down plump.

When does a son not take after his father? When his father leaves him nothing to take.

Why are bad children like old trunks ? They must be strapped.

Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf ? Because your voice is lost upon him.

Whom do children dislike the most? The women zcho bore them.

Of what profession is every child? A player.

Who are generally most sick of children? The people who ''bring them up."

CHIMNEYS

What is the best remedy for a smoky chimney? Put the fire out.

Why must chimney-sweeping be a very agreeable business? Because it suits (soots) every one who tries it.

98 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black.

Why do chimneys smoke? Because they cannot chew.

CHINAMEN

What does the Chinaman say in answer to the question, "What are the wild waves saying?" Washee; washee.

Why is a Chinaman never perplexed?

Because no matter where he finds himself he always has his cue.

CHOIRS

What is the difference between a choir master and a lady's dress? The one trains a choir, the other acquires a train.

CHRONOMETERS

Why can you never buy a new chronometer? Because it must always be a second-hand one.

CHURCHES

When is it dangerous to visit a church?

When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a big gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the congregation.

What is the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? One uses candles; the other dips.

Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good for nothing.

Why are religious communities like bees? Because they are insects.

Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because you un-buss-'em (unbosom).

Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will be sure to disturb the "rest" of the congrega- iion.

CLOCKS 99

Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends church?

Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary.

Why are the seats in the Catholic Church so comfortable? Because they are so well Paddy-cd.

Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very virtuous goose?

Because she is so faithful to her proper gander (propaganda).

Why should the largest tree be near a church ? There should be no bigger tree (bigotry) there.

What is the difference between the Mormons' religion and their wives ?

Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural.

What is the difference between a church bell, and a church organ? Oyie rings in the congregation, and by the other the congregation is played out.

What is the best way to turn people's heads? Go to church late.

CITIES

' Why do we generally dub a city her or she? Because about a city there is so much bustle and because she has outskirts.

Why is a city being destroyed like another being built ? Because it is being razed (raised).

CLIMBING

Why is a man that has fallen off a tree, and is determined to go up again, like a man emigrating?

He is going to try another "climb" (clime).

CLOCKS

Why is a clock a pattern of modesty?

Because it covers its face zvith its hands and runs down its own works.

100 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is a clock an emblem of labor? Because it strikes.

♦'When Is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down and strikes one.

What is a hot time? A clock m an oven.

What is always behind time? The back of a clock.

Why does a clock never strike 13? It hasn't the face to do so.

When the clock strikes 13 what time is it? Time to have the clock repaired.

Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is completely wound up.

What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock is wound up it goes; when a firm is wound up it stops.

When is a clock cruel? When it strikes its little one.

'Tis true I have both face and hands, And move before your eye ;

Yet when I go my body stands, And when I stand I lie? A clock.

1 have hands, but no fingers ; no bed, but a tick. A clock.

What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet feels no interest in our concerns ; directs us when to go, and when to come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no resentment when the reproof is given?

A clock.

When may a man be said to possess a vegetable timepiece? When he gets up at eight 0' (a potato) clock.

CLOTHES 101

What is the most regular beat? The pendulum of a clock.

Why is a timepiece like a carriage? Because it runs on zvhecls.

What is the most striking thing in the way of mantel ornaments? A clock.

CLOTHES

Describe a suit of old clothes in two letters. C D.

What kind of underclothes does a tramp wear? ,K-nit.

Why would a shirt made out of a story-paper be an inconvenience? It would have too many tales.

Why does a coat get larger when taken out of a carpet bag? Because you find it in-crcases.

When is a new dress older than an old one? When it is more (moire) antique.

What is men's opinion of bloomers? They are divided.

Which are the most seasonable clothes? Pepper and salt.

WTien is an altered dress like a secret? When it's let out.

How high ought a lady to wear her dress? A little higher than two feet.

What does the evening wear ? The close of day.

Why is a lady in a cotton dress like anything published? Because she appears in print.

How is the best way to make a coat last? To make the trousers and vest first.

102 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is an old coat like an iron kettle ? Because it represents hard-ware.

Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball?

Because both look worn out when they lose their nap.

Why are Cashmere shawls like deaf people? Because you cannot make them here (hear).

When does a civilized man discard an essential article of attire? When he "turns up" his trousers.

What part of a ragged garment resembles the Pope's title? Its Holiness.

Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents? Because they are left off'uns (orphans).

When are clothes like foxes ? When scented.

Why should buying trousers on credit be considered dishonorable? Because they are breeches of trust.

When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it?

When it has a hole in it.

What is the difference between a summer dress in winter and an extracted tooth ?

One is too thin, the other tooth out.

Why do we buy clothes?

Because we cannot get them for nothing.

What is the difference between a coat and a baby? The one I wear, the other I was!

4\\fh.y is it that every man's pants are too short? Because his legs stick out two feet.

Why is a lady's belt like a garbage cart? Because it goes around and gathers the waste.

What is the latest thing in gowns? Night gowns.

COALS 103

Why is an apron like peas ? Because it is gathered.

What constitutes a genuine frontier costume? The outskirts of civilication.

What part of an old lady's attire most resembles a solitary per- son?

Her mitts (hermits).

Why are women extravagant in clothes ?

Because when they buy a new dress they wear it out on the first day.

What dress should a lady have to keep the rest of her wardrobe clean ?

A lawn dress (laundress).

When are robes like water? When flowing.

Which is at once the warmest and coldest garments? A bare (bear) skin coat.

When is a fashionable man like a case in court? When he has a new suit on.

CLOUDS

Why are clouJs like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins).

When are clouds in danger of being turned over? When they let fall the rains (reins).

COACHMEN

Why is a coachman like a lover?

Because he alzvays desires to be remembered by his fare (fair).

Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us? Because we call them to take us in.

COALS

Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce ? Because when purchased instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cellar (seller).

104 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is a coal charity the best of all charities? Because it makes the receivers' grate full (grateful).

Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great (grate).

Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady flame.

COFFEE

When is coffee like the soil? When it is "ground."

Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It may be considered underground.

Why should a poor man drink coffee? Because he has no proper-ty (tea).

Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge? Because it must be ground before it is used.

AVhat's the difference between coffee and a donkey? One's mocha, the other's a moke!

When has a man a right to scold his coffee? When he has more than sufficient grounds.

COFFINS

What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know it?

A coffin.

COLD CREAM

Why is cold cream like a good chaperon ? Because it keeps off the chaps.

COLDS

What is a parliamentary cold ?

All ayes and noes (eyes and nose).

COMPANIES 105

Why is a child with a cold in its head like a February blizzard? It blows, it snows (it blows its nose).

Why is a man with a cold on his chest not a man? Because he is a little horse (hoarse)

Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing.

Why is a bad cold a great humiliation?

Because it brings the proudest man to his sneeze (his knees).

COLLEGES

Why is a college student like a thermometer ? Because he is graduated and marked by degrees.

Why is a Freshman like a telescope?

He is easily drawn out, seen through, and shut up.

Why are undergraduates like geese ?

Because they often live upon the commons, they are crammed, they are plucked, and when plucked are regularly sold.

COLORS

What color are the winds and waves in a storm? The winds blew (blue) and the waves rose.

COMBS

What is a good thing to part with? A comb.

COMMITTEES

Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.

COMPANIES

Why is a joint company not like a watch ? Because it does not go after it is wound up.

106 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

CONCEIT

Why is a fool in a high place like a man in a balloon. Because every one appears little to him and he appears little to every one.

CONFUSION

When is a man like a snake ? When rattled.

CONGRESS

■ Why is a vote in Congress like a cold ?

Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose).

Which member of Congress wears the largest hat? The one who has the largest head.

When does the House of Representatives present one of the most ludicrous spectacles?

When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its noes (nose) on the other.

When is a member of Congress ferocious?

When he inserts his claws (clause) into the Bill of another mem^ her.

CONTEMPT

When is a subject beneath one's notice? {•?

When it is under consideration. :%

CONVENTS

Why are the bars of a convent like a black smith's apron? Because they keep the sparks off.

COOKING

When are cooks cruel?

When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.

Why is dough like the sun? ^''

Because it is light when it rises.

COOKING 107

Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what's done cannot be helped.

Why does the cook make more noise than the bell? Because one makes a din, and the other a dinner.

On what day should a cook make doughnuts? Fry-day.

Why can't a cook swallow his apron? Because it goes against his stomach.

What did the muffin say to the toasting fork? You're too pointed.

What's the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day.

When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs.

Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the pasty must be made of dough (doe).

What pudding makes the best cricketer? A good batter.

Why is a plum cake like the ocean? Because it contains many currants.

What's the most difficult thing to be cooked for a Christmas din- ner?

A tailor's goose.

What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what other bird was it made?

Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it, and for the swallow, of course.

Why is a cook like a barber ? He dresses hare (hair).

What is the diflFerence between a pastrycook and a billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.

What made the tart tart?

Because she didn't want to let the baker bake her.

108 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is the French cook at the Union Club like a man sitting on the top of a shot-tower?

Because they are both in a high cool an* airy (culinary) situation.

When is the soup most likely to run out of the sauce-pan? When there's a leek (leak) in it.

Why are cooks of more advantage than editors. Because they can make better puffs.

COQUETTES

Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette?

Because there is always room for one more to be taken in.

CORN

Why does more corn grow in crooked rows than in straight ones? There are more crooked rows.

When is corn like a question? When you are popping it.

CORNS

What fruit does a sufferer from a com resemble? A toe-martyr (tomato).

What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

V On what toe does a corn never come? The mistletoe.

Plant tight shoes and what will you raise? Corns.

CORSETS

Why is a lady's corset like a watch-dog?

Because they are tied up all day and let out at night.

Why should young ladies never wear stays? Because it is so horrid to see a girl "tight."

Why is a fashionable woman not wholly made by Providence? "Providence shapes her ends," but corsets shape her middle.

COURTSHIP 109

Why does a girl lace herself so tight to go out to dinner? Because she hears much stress laid on "Grace before meat!'

Why are women's corsets the greatest speculators in the bills of mortality ?

Because they contract — to kill.

Why is a "girl of the period" like a careful housewife? Because she makes her waist (ivaste) as little as she can.

Why are tight lacers economical? Because they don't like a great waist.

COUNTERFEITING

Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant (current).

COURTSHIP

Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a successful newspaper?

His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be tri-weekly, and then became daily, with a Sunday supplement.

What ship contains more people than the "Great Eastern"? Courtship.

What kind of sense does a girl long for in a disagreeable suitor? Absence.

When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with him ?

Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections in his pockets.

What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry).

What ship has two mates but no captain? Courtship.

What ship is it in which no woman objects to embark? Court-ship.

110 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

COWARDS

Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? They both run.

CRANKS

What must a crank have to be of any use ? A balance wheel.

CREDULITY

Why are credulous people like musical instruments? Because they are often played upon.

CRIMINALS

What nation does a criminal most dread? Condem-nation.

CROWDS

Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back.

Why should we avoid mingling with the multitude? ^ Because if you are hemmed in by a crowd you are likely to get a stitch in your side.

CROWS

Why is a crow? Caws.

Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world ? Because it never shows the white feather.

Which are the most contented birds ?

Rooks, because they never complain without caws.

What bird never flies without sufficient cause (caws) ? The crow.

CRYING

Why is a cry-baby's mouth like a tavern door? Jt is always open.

DANCING 111

Why is a tear shed in secret like a vessel of war? Because it is a private tear.

CUNNING

Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker ? Because he'll pump you.

CURTAINS

In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned curtains ?

When it's tap is dry (tapestry).

DANCING

What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn ?

One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern.

What word of three syllables specifies the time to dance? At-ten-dance.

Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it.

'^ What dance do bakers most prefer? A-bun-dance..

W^y is a dancing master like a cook? He cuts capers.

Why are some of our officers like a dancing master's toes? Because they must be turned out.

Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman? Because she reels and spins.

What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel.

Who is It that always has a number of movements on foot for making monry ?

A dancing master.

112 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is dancing like new milk? Because it strengthens the calves.

DANGER

Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure to he run over by carriages and om^o- mobiles.

DAYS

When the days breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mo(u)rning ; or, they are ours (hours).

Why is there no whole day? Because every one begins by breaking.

Why are the days long in summer and short in winter? Heat expands things and cold contracts them.

Which is the strongest day in the week? Sunday, because all the rest are week-days.

DEAFNESS

Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted?

Because it is unlawful to condemn a man without a hearing.

Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them here (hear).

Why are young ladies born deaf sure to be more exemplary than young ladies not so afflicted?

Because they have never erred (heard) in their lives!

DEATH

r

Why is a tin can tied to a dog's tail like death? Because it's bound to a cur (occur).

The king's fool offended him and was condemned to death ; the king said, "You have been a good fool, so I will let you choose the manner of your death." What mode do you think he chose?

He chose to die of old age. d

DEBTS 113

Why is death like a boy breaking vour windows? He puts an end to your pains (panes).

Why is it better to be burnt than to have your head cut off? Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop.

What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go round ivith the world.

What is the difference between a cradle and the grave? The one is for the first-born, the other for the last bourne.

What is it which "covers a multitude of sin(ner)s"? The gravestone.

DEBTS

Why is it difficult for a little man to get credit?

Because the shorter a man is, the longer he is paying his debts.

Who is more to be admired than a promising young man? A paying one.

When a fast young man says, "I think I had better marry and settle down," what would you advise instead? Better stay single and settle up.

What things grow larger the more you contract them? Debts.

Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He goes on tick.

What is that debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature, or death.

What is better than to give credit to whom it is due? Give the cash.

When is a man over head and ears in debt? When he wears a wig that is not paid for.

When is a bill not a bill? When it is due (dew).

What fruit is a lady like when settling a bill? A pear (payer).

114 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up in himself.

DEJECTION

Why is a dejected man like one thrown from a precipice? He is down-cast.

Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it's down in the mouth.

DENTISTS

What tree bears the most toothsome fruit? Dentis-try.

Who is a painstaking fellow? The dentist.

How do we know that a dentist is unhappy at his work? Because he always looks down in the mouth.

When does a dentist do the most work? When he extracts several acres (achers).

Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great pull.

Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is the drawing room.

For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted ?

For dentistry, because they have a good pull.

Why do dentists make the best farmers? They are used to pulling stumps.

What is the most important room in a dentist's house? The drawing room.

What professional man generally shows his teeth to a customer? A dentist.

DISEASES 115

DIRT

Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing!

DISCONTENT

Why is the most discontented man the most easily satisfied? Nothing satisfies him.

DISCOURSES

Why is an empty discourse like a solid one? Because it is all sound.

DISEASES

^ Of what disease would a duke prefer to die? Dropsy, because it is a swell disease.

Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then have his legatees (leg at ease).

Why did nurse object to take baby into papa's studio? Because "them easels" (the measles) were about.

Why is gout like reciprocated love ? Because it's a joint affection.

What remedy would cure insomnia? A gentle dose (done), to be sure.

Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because it attacks the joints.

Why is a steel trap like the measles? Because it is catching.

What is that a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox.

Why is a rheumatic person like a glass window? Because he is full of pains (panes).

116 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

DITCHES

What is larger when cut at both ends? A ditch.

DIVORCE

Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he has to pay an alimony (an alley-money).

Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.

DOCTORS

Why are dead doctors and dead ducks alike? Both are done quacking.

Why should a doctor never be seasick? Because he is accustomed to see (sea) sickness.

Why is a doctor often better taken care of than his patients? Because at night someone is sure to wrap (rap) him up.

^ Why are doctors always bad characters ? Because the worse people are the more they stay with them.

Why are doctors healthy men?

Because they have such strong physics (physiques).

•AVhy does a lady not like a doctor to kiss her? Because she does not like a doctor's bill thrust into her face.

Why are doctors like highwaymen?

Because their business with you is either your money or your life.

When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his patients.

When is a doctor most annoyed? When he is out of patients.

How would you express in one word having encountered a doctor of medicine?

Met-a-physician,

DOGS 117

Why is a doctor the meanest man on earth?

Because he treats you and then viakcs you pay for it.

Why are doctors not respectable? Because they live by pill-age.

Who always enjoys poor health? The doctor.

Why are two doctors living next door to each other like a double- barrel shot-gun ?

Because what one misses the other is sure to kill.

Why should a doctor have his office near a burial ground? As a matter of convenience to his patients.

DOGMAS

What is a dogma?

An opinion laid down with a snarl.

Ethel, why is Rover like a positive creed? Because he's a dog. Ma (dogma)!

DOGS

Why does a dog turn around three times before lying down? Because one good turn deserves another.

What is the difference between a dog's tail and a rich man? One keeps a waggin(g) and the other keeps a carriage.

Why is a dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Farthest from the bark.

Why is a sheet of foolscap paper like a lazy dog? A sheet of foolscap is an ink-lined plane; an inclined plane is a slope up, and a slow pup is a lazy dog.

Why is a dog longer in the morning than in the evening? Because he is let out in the morning and taken in in the evening.

Why is a lazy dog like a hill ? Because he is a slow pup (slope up).

118 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

■ When you examine a dog's lungs under the X-ray what do you find?

The seat of his pants.

When looking into a dog's mouth what do you sometimes find? The scat of somebody's else pants.

Why does a dog wear more clothes in summer than in winter? In winter he wears a coat; in summer he wears a coat and pants. (He pants).

How can you keep a dog from going mad in August? Shoot him in July.

When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail ? When it is a wagon (wag gin').

Why is a dog in an ice chest like a telegraph pole ? Because it is purp-in-de-cooler (perpendicular).

Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good financier? Because he makes both ends meet.

^AVhen is a dog's tail like a toll-gate? When it stops a wag gin' (wagon).

- When is a dog most like a human being? When he is between a man and a boy.

Why is a little dog's tail like a new-born babe? Because it never was seen before.

Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering? He puts down three and carries one.

Why does a fox-hound wag his tail?

^ Because he is stronger than his tail, otherwise his tail would wag htm.

Why is a dainty lap-dog like a galloping hyena? Because he is a fastidious (fast, hideous) beast.

What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog.

What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's got one to wag.

DOMESTIC TROUBLES II9

What makes a coach dog spotted? His spots.

When is a black dog not a black dog? When he is a grey-hound.

Why is a dog like a tree ? Because they both produce a bark.

Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup- pet.

Why is a dog's tail a great novelty? Because no one ever saijj it before.

What did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dc^'s tail? ''After you!"

When does a black-and-tan dog change color? When it turns to bay.

When do dogs remind you of "A life on the Ocean Wave"? When you see 'em-barking.

What is the difference between a dog losing his hair and a man painting a small building?

One sheds his coat and the other coats his shed.

In what bay will you find the most barks? In the dog's bay.

Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he will, he cannot catch it.

DOMESTIC TROUBLES

Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred horse? Because he is a perfect brute.

"■ What is the difference between a pitcher of water and a man throwing his wife in the river ?

One is water in the pitcher, and the other is pitch her in the water.

^' Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man? Because he is above doing a mean action.

120 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why are the complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?

Because they are the murmurs of the tied (tide).

If a man married a shrew, what are we to suppose? That he is shrewd.

What is a well-matched pair? A horsey man and a naggy wife.

When do husband and wife change places? When she comes down and blows him up.

Why is a rifleman firing wide from his target like a man who blacks his wife's eye?

Because one misses his mark, and the other marks his missus.

Why does a woman who gives her husband "a piece of her mind" usually take as much as she gives?

Because she generally manages to take away the peace of his.

^ Why are some married men like candles ? Because they occasionally go out at night when they oughtn't to.

What kind of medicine does a man take for a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (he takes and he licks her).

What beats a good wife? A bad husband.

What is the difference between a fish and the husband of a vixen? One lives in cold water and the other in hot.

^What woman would be the most likely to give her husband a blowing up if he came home late? Dinah might.

Why are married men like steamboats? Because they are sometimes blown up.

Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's chicken-hearted!

How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half amount to?

Ten: herself, i; husband, o — total, lo.

DOORS 121

Why is a married man like a fire ?

Because he provokes his zvife by going out at night.

When does a married lady appeal to twelve men? When she has been deserted by one.

Why is a man with a scolding wife like a florist? He has a hot house.

DONKEYS

When is donkey spelled with one letter? When it's U.

Why should a bee and a donkey form a partnership? Because one gets all the honey and the other gets all the wax (whacks).

What key is the hardest to turn? A don-key.

Why does a donkey prefer thistles to oats? Because he's an ass.

What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you lick with a stick; the other you stick with a lick.

When does a donkey weigh the least? When he is within a pound.

If you were to ride upon a donkey, what fruit would you resemble? A pear (a pair).

If a man gets up on a donkey where should he get down? From a swan's breast.

DOORBELLS

What asks no questions but requires many answers? A doorbell.

DOORS

When is a door not a door? When it is a-jar.

122 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

*^When is a door not a door? When it's an egress (a negress).

^How do you swallow a door? Bolt it.

Why is a street-door like a beer-barrel? Because it is often tapped.

DRINKING

Why is a drunkard's nose like a lighthouse?

It warns us of the little water which passes beneath.

How does a tipsy man generally look? Diszy-pated (dissipated).

For what class of men is the road never wide enough? Drunkard.

When is a toper's nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish.

Why is a drunkard's nose red? Red is the signal of danger.

Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? Because there are three scruples to a dram.

Why should a drunkard wear a plaid vest? To keep a check on his stomach.

Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are so accustomed to keep their noses above water.

What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner ?

One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quarts into gold.

Why is a disreputable alehouse like two of the chief performers in an orchestra?

Because it is a base and vile inn (bass and violin).

Why is your nose like the Brooklyn Bridge, Sambo? Because there's so many schooners go under it.

DUCKS 123

What key is a poisonous one ? Whiskey.

What is the difference between a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine?

One makes a nosegay and the other makes a "gay nose.*'

What may be called the drunkard's age? Wreck-age.

Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry? Because they have a gall on a bier between them.

When is a wine-glass like an accomplished prediction? When it is full filled.

Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical Hindoo ?

Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not (Jug- gernaut).

Why is intoxication like a slop bowl? 'Cos it am de-basin' (debasing) !

What is the difference between a drunken man and the moon? The moon is full once a month, and a drunken man is full every night.

What man is the most likely to get tipsy?

The man whose thoughts run in a jug-ular vein.

DROWNING

What is an old lady in the middle of a river like? Like to be drowned.

What is a man like who is in the middle of the Hudson River

and can't swim?

Like to be drowned.

DUCKS

Why does a duck go into the water? For diver's reasons.

124 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why does she come out? For sun-dry reasons.

What is another reason for a duck going into the water? To liquidate her bill.

Again, why does she come out? To make a run on the bank.

v^ I saw a duck swimming in the pond and a dog sitting on its tail. How was that?

The dog sat on his own tail on the shore.

What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two?

Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion).

Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry?

At the State Bath House, where you can get a duck for a dime.

What would be a good epitaph on a duckling just dead? Peas (peace) to its remains!

DUDES

What is the difference between a Dutch dude and a piece of stovepipe ?

One is a silly Hollander, and the other is a hollow cylinder.

If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what fruit would you be reminded of? A pear (pair).

Why are dudes no longer imported into this country from Eng- land?

Because a Yankee dude 'II do (Yankee doodle doo).

Why is a dude's hat like swearing? Because it is something to avoid.

What is the difference between a rooster, Uncle Sam and an old maid?

The rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-do" ; Uncle Sam says, *'Yankee doodle do," and the old maid says, "Any dude 'II do."

EATING 125

DUELS

Why are all duels very short affairs?

Because it only requires two seconds to arrange them.

What did the pistol-ball say to the wounded duellist? "I hope I give satisfaction."

DUMBNESS

Why is anything that is unsuitable like a dumb person? Because it won't answer.

DUMB-WAITERS

Why was the dumb-waiter returned? Because it didn't answer.

DUST

What is that which flies high, flies low, has no feet, and yet wears shoes? Dust.

DUTY

Where lies the path of duty? Through the Custom House.

EARS

What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?

The drum.

EARTH

^ What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, the other tidy.

EATING

Why does a tall man eat less than a short one? He makes a little go a long ways.

126 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

V If you were invited out to dine, and found nothing on the table but a beet, what would you say? That beats (beet's) all.

Why should a greedy man wear a plaid vest? To keep a check on his stomach.

V When a man complains of his coffee being cold, what does his wife do?

She makes it hot for him.

Which has the harder life of it — tea or coffee?

Tea, because coffee settles down, while tea is compelled to draw.

When may a person be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll and a turnover in bed.

What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton? One longs to eat and the other eats too long.

Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Because they make the butterfly.

Which are the oldest knives and forks? Fingers and teeth.

How do you keep food on an empty stomach? Bolt it down.

When may bread be said to be alive? When it has a little Indian in it.

What relation is a loaf of bread to an engine? Mother. (Necessity is the mother of invention.)

How many eggs can a man eat on an empty stomach? None; when he begins to eat his stomach is no longer empty.

How many clams can you eat on an empty stomach? One.

Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? Meet for rejoicing.

Why has a great gymnast very wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles and thrives.

EATING 127

What fish are an emblem of silence? Oysters.

What food represents the sad ending of a Bible character? Salt.

What food represents a Fourth of July accompaniment? Crackers.

What seasoning is made sharp by its mother? Vinegar.

What food represents how the goat got square with the girl? Butter.

What foods are emblems of Chicago and Boston? Pork and beans.

What food is an emblem of stupidity? Goose.

What food is a token of peace?

Olives.

What food is an unknown quantity? Hash.

What food is cause for a display of grief? Onions.

What food is indebted to grass? Milk.

What food represents a letter and the speaking of it? B'Utter.

What is nature's contribution to the table? IVater.

What table article are chips from the old block? Tooth-picks.

What table article is the fountain of youth (no fable) ? Milk.

What food represents the gambler's tools? Sugar dice.

128 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What dessert represents visible pain? C-ake.

What food represents the nickname for Florida natives? Crackers.

What is the leap-year cereal? Pop-corn,

What food is pressed fluid? Cheese,

What food are the destroyers of the race? Apples.

What is the food for Choctaws? Indian pudding.

What beverage represents the beginning of time? Tea,

What food represents what v^^omen need (knead) most? Bread.

What food suggests green tarts? Pickles.

What food represents the father of all dark(ey)ness? Ham.

What are the brownies of Boston? Beans.

What dessert represents a popular maid at dinner? Charlotte Russe.

What food is moon material? Cheese,

What edibles represent Cain's offering? Fruit,

What food represents jewels? Gems.

What article of diet just escaped being flirts? Croquettes,

EATING 129

What food is scorned by Jews? Ham.

What meat suggests under the Rhine? Pork.

What food is lovers* currency? Kisses.

What beverage recalls the earliest overthrow of the United

States ? Tea.

What does the blizzard contribute to make food more palatable? Ice.

What food is good for spinning wheels? Rolls.

What food is Dinah's favorite epithet? Honey.

What dessert represents what Susan said when she saw the mouse? Ice Cream.

What food is labor's stronghold? Beef.

What food represents a carriage and a period of time? Cabb-age.

What food represents dirt and goblins? Sand-wiches.

What food represents impertinence? Sauce.

What food is a choice mixture? Salad.

What is the confection for leisure hours? Gum.

What food represents what the patient has and what the doctor gets?

Cof-fee.

ISO THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What is that which every one wishes, and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.

Why is a public dinner like a fir-tree?

Because you may get a deal board (bored) from it.

The ova of what fish do we frequently have for breakfast? The ova which is ham an' eggs (is salmon eggs).

Why is it that you cannot starve in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is there, to say nothing of the Pyra- mids of Ch(e)ops!

But how did the sandwiches get there?

Because Ham was sent there, and his followers mustard (mustered) and bre(a)d!

Why is a hungry man willing to be a martyr ? Because he is ready to go to the steak.

What eater is it that rises at the counter of an eating house without putting down the fare? The thermom-eater.

What is the worst man of all?

He who eats his marmalade on toast (mama laid on toast).

What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair?

A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which ts really a

swell affair.

Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar? Because it makes the butter-fly.

What is the best food for dyspeptic people?

Oysters; because they die- just (digest) before they are eaten.

What is the most indigestible supper you can take? Bolt the door and tuck in the sheets.

Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce.

When does a man sit down to a melancholy dessert? When he sits down to wine and to pine.

ECHOES 181

When is an alderman like a ghost? When he's a-gobblin' (goblin).

"f What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known ? That recorded of a man zvho commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story.

What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It vanishes into the empty heir (air).

What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey.

What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man who has eaten as much as he can?

One is signed and dated, and the other is dined and sated.

What is the best description of 'Vapid consumption"? Bolting one's food.

Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten.

Can you think of a rhyme which states that a man who serves him- self at a cafeteria is neither a traitor to his country nor a member of the waiters' union?

Every man who carries a tray is not a traitor, nor is he necessarily a ivaiter.

EAVES-DROPPERS

What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle.

ECHOES

What would give a blind man the greatest delight? Light.

What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.

What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.

What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.

132 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.

Who commit the greatest abominations? Nations.

What made the tart tart?

Because she didn't want the baker to bake her.

ECLIPSES

Why is an eclipse like a man whipping his boy? Because it's a hiding of the sun (son).

EDITORS

Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor, for he is beset by the "devil."

Why should a perfumer be a good editor ?

Because he is accustomed to make elegant extracts.

EGGS

Why is an egg dealer sure to succeed?

Because he shows a good egg-sample from egg-sellent motives.

Why is an egg too lightly boiled like one boiled too much ? Because it is hardly done.

When walking through a field of wheat I pick'd up something good to eat, 'Twas neither fish, flesh, fowl, nor bone; I kept it till it ran alone. An egg.

How do eggs show their anger on being called heggs? By becoming eggs-asperated.

Why is an egg like a colt?

Because it isn't fit for use until it's broken.

What female name would an egg object to be called? Addle-laid (Adelaide).

ENGINES 133

EGOTISM

What kind of men are very apt to worship their maker ? Self-made ones.

ELEVATORS

What is the difference between an elevator and the man who runs it?

One is lowered to take passengers up, and the other is highered (hired) to do it.

When is an elevator not an elevator ? When it is going down.

Why is an elevator man like an aeronaut? Because his life is all ups and downs.

EMPLOYERS

What man has a thousand hands? The man who employs a thousand men.

ENERGY

What are the three most forcible letters in the alphabet? N. R. G.

ENGINES

What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers.

What part of a locomotive requires the most attention? The "tender" part.

What is the difference between an engine-driver and a school- master ?

One minds the train, the other trains the mind.

What is the difference between a locomotive and a houndr One is trained to run and the other runs a train.

How do locomotives hear ? Through their engineers.

134. THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive.

Why do railway men always speak of a locomotive as "she" ? Because it suggests ** tender" thoughts and draws men after it.

What was the cause of the railroad accident the other day ? The cow-catcher had a calf.

Why cannot a railroad engine sit down? Because it has a tender behind.

ENGLISH

Why is the Bank of England during a shower like a civic feast? Because it is a bank wet (banquet).

Why should a pious person never call a patten a clog? Because, instead of its being a "hindrance" it "elevates the soul" (sole).

When does a man shave himself with silver? When he cuts off his heir with a shilling.

Why, in case of a revolution, would the people be the greatest losers ?

Because they would each lose a sovereign, and the King only a crown.

Why is my servant, when she travels to Kew by a public con- veyance, likely to prove a burthen to her friends? Because she is Ann in Kew bus (incubus).

Why are clerks like the telegrams of the daily press? Because they are Reuters.

Which is the hardest tree in Hyde Park? The Marble Arch (the marble larch).

What sea reminds one of a pudding? Battersea.

What part of a clock reminds you of Christmas Eve? The weights (waits).

What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half ? A half-penny.

ENGLISH 135

Why did the people hail King Edward while going through the streets of London ?

Because he was reigning and they thought they might hail.

Why is a four-pound note better than a five-pound sovereign piece ?

Because it is easily doubled up.

When is a farmer's wife like the statue of the Duke of Welling- ton at the Royal Exchange ?

IVhen she is looking up the poultry.

Why does "the British Matron" prefer old songs? Because she greatly objects to nezv-ditties.

Why are the makers of the Armstrong gun the most dishonest persons in His Majesty's service?

Because they rifle cH the guns, forge all the materials, and steel all the gun breeches.

Wly may it be said that Dutchmen come into the world ready clothed ?

Because they are born in Holland.

Why is an ass the most unfortunate creditor? Because he gets nothing in the pound.

Why are Dover cliffs like the letter D? They are next the sea (C).

Why is a good wife always worth five shillings? Because she is a crown to her husband.

When is a penniless state of things the cause of rejoicing in a poor man's family?

When bread is a penny less per loaf.

If Britannia were deformed, what public institution would she remind you of ?

The National Gal-awry (Gallery).

Why are Government clerks like the fountains in Trafalgar Square ?

Because they play from ten to four.

Where do starlings go in cherry-time ? They go to Peckham (peck 'cm).

136 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is the prize-ring like a book of botanical preparations? Because you see in it specimens of the British floorer (Flora),

What is the difference between last week's Punch and the brew- ings of Guinness and Allsopp?

One is out and stale, the others stout and ale.

What English king had a naturally great aversion to washer- women ?

John, because of his great losses in the Wash!

Why is a Member of Parliament like a shrimp? Because he has M. P. at the end of his name.

What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n !

How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one crown.

Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his sovereign.

Why is the steeple of St. Paul's church like Ireland? Because there is a bell fast (Belfast) in it.

Why do we jealously watch Russia's advance towards Afghani- stan?

Because it would be a nice thing to catch Her-at.

What street in London puts you in mind of a tooth which has pained you for a long time? Long Acre.

Why should yellow peas be sent to Hammersmith? Because that is the way to Turnham Green.

When does a shilling act like a razor?

When a man cuts off his heirs (hairs) with one.

Why is the port of Plymouth like a very wonderful phenomenon in accoustics?

Because it includes a part of the sea called the Sound; and that is the only sound that you can see.

Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unlady-like action when she married the late Lord Raglan?

Because she turned a '^Somerset.'*

ENVY 187

Why are Whigs and wigs ahke ?

Because they both profess an attachment to the crown.

What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait).

Why are railways like laundresses?

Because they have ironed all England and have occasionally done a little mangling.

Why is Great Britain like Palestine ? Because it's the Holy Land (whole island).

What part of London is in France? The letter n.

How do you know that the Queen Victoria approves of the penny postage ?

Because she gives her countenance to it.

If I buy four books for a penny and give one of them away, why am I like a telescope ?

Because I make a far-thing present.

Why is the history of England like a wet season? Because it is full of reigns (rains).

ENGRAVERS

Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die sinking.

ENVELOPES

What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says nothing about it.

ENVY

A feeling all persons detest, Altho' 'tis by every one felt, By two letters fully express'd. By twice two invariably spelt. Envy (N V).

138 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

EPIGRAMS

Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point.

EQUALITY

What is it that a man often sees, Washington seldom saw, and God Almighty never saw ? His equal.

ETERNITY

Why is eternity like a circle? // has neither beginning nor end.

Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has neither beginning nor end.

What is Eternity?

A day without yesterday or to-morrow.

I am forever, and yet was never. Eternity.

EYES

Why is an eye like an old-fashioned schoolmaster? Because it always has a pupil under the lash.

Why is your eye like a boy being whipped? It is under the lash.

Why are your eyes like friends separated by distant climes? They correspond, but never meet.

There's a word composed of three letters alone,

Which reads backwards and forwards the same;

It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart. And to beauty lays principal claim. Eye.

Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the ball.

FALLING 159

Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better than an eye destroyed?

Because it': an-eye-elated.

Why are your eyes like post-horses ? Because they are continually under the lashes.

If the eyes and nose were to run a race which would win? The eyes; for the nose would be blown while the eyes would run till they dropped.

Why is a cock-eye like a note of interrogation? Because it is a queer eye.

When are eyes not eyes?

When the wind makes them water.

FACTS

When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to "all."

FAINTING

Why should a fainting woman have more than one doctor called? Because if she is not brought to (two) she will die.

How is it you can never tell a lady's real hysterics from her sham ones.

Because, in either case, it's a feint (faint).

When a lady faints, what figure will restore her? You must bring her 2.

FALLING

When a boy falls, what does he fall against? Against his will.

If by chance a man falls From the top of St. Paul's, What does he fall against? Against his inclination.

140 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of summer ?

Because the Fall follows right after the Spring, unless he makes a Summer-set between them.

FALSE LOGIC

Why is an ex-pugilist like a bee-hive?

An ex-pugilist is an ex-poimder ; an ex-pounder is a commentator ; a common tater is an Irish tatcr ; an Irish tater is a speck tater; a spectator is a beholder, and a bee-holder is a bee-hive.

Prove that the winds are blind.

The wind is a zephyr, a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story, a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an attachment is love, and love is blind; therefore, the winds are blind.

Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of mutton ?

A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than get- ting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than nothing.

What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato? None. One is a bee-holder ; a bee-holder is a speck' d 'tatur, and a speck'd 'tatur is a bad potato.

I

" What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive?

The mother — bread being a necessity, a locomotive being an in- vention, and "Necessity is the mother of invention."

FARMERS

When does a farmer perform a miracle?

When he turns his horse to grass, and also when he turns his cow to pasture.

What disease do reapers often get on hot days? A dropsical (drop sickle) affection.

When does a farmer act with cruelty to his corn? When he pulls its ears.

Why is it dangerous for farmers to plant peas during war? For fear the enemy will come along and shell them.

FASHIONS 141

Which are the safest banks, the best stock and the most profitable shares ?

The farmer's earth banks; live stock and plowshares, for they are the source of all wealth.

What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.

What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm?

It had better be sewn (sown).

Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good many ackers.

Why is an old man's farm in Texas like the focus of a sun-glass? Because it's a place where the sons raise meat (sun's rays meet).

What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? One gathers what he sows, the other sews what she gathers.

When is a farmer like a dentist? When he is pulling out stumps.

FASHIONS

What is a bachelor's opinion of woman's rights?

That it is she, and not her grievances, which needs to be re-dressed.

What is the latest thing in dresses? Night-dresses.

What is the proper length for a young lady to wear her dress? A little above two feet (her two feet).

Why is a fashionable woman like a thrifty housekeeper? Because she makes a great "bustle" about a little "waist" (waste).

On what condition would women wear men's clothes? // it were the fashion.

What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man?

// you well wet one it makes it sivell, but if you well wet the other it takes all the swell out of him.

Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South Afri- can bushman's club?

Because it's "perfectly stunning."

142 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff.

Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Because he always appears well dressed.

Lead up to this by talking about the colors of bonnets and dresses, then ask, But what is most likely, do you think, to become a fair- haired woman?

A fair-haired little girl!

When is a woman dressed like an Indian war chief in all his feathers ?

When she is dressed to kill.

FAT PEOPLE

Why are stout men usually sad? Because they are men of sighs (size).

Why does a fat man when squeezed compliment the ladies? Because the pressure makes him flatter.

How is the best way to get fat? Go to the butcher shop.

FAULT-FINDING

What is that which is often found where it is not? Fault.

Why is a man for whom nothing is good enough like a hyena galloping ?

Because he's a fast-hideous (fastidious) beast!

FEAR

Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a cabbage ?

Because his heart's in his head.

When does even the bravest heart turn to stone? When it becomes a little bolder (boulder).

Why is a nervous lady like a policeman? Because her mind is filled with apprehensions.

FENCES 14S

FEATURES

What have noses but smell not ? Teapots.

What have eyes and see not? Potatoes.

What have ears but hear not? Cornstalks,

What have tongues but talk not? Wagons.

What have mouths but eat not? Rivers.

What have hands but work not? Clocks.

What have feet and walk not? Stoves.

Why is a man's mouth, when very large, like an annual lease? Because it extends from ear to ear (year to year).

Part of a foot with judgment transpose,

And the answer you'll find just under your nose.

Inch — chin.

FEET

Why are feet like olden tales ? Because they are leg -ends (legends).

FENCES

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.

I came to a field and couldn't get through it ; So I went to a school and learned how to do it. Fence.

144. THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

FIELDS

When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye (wry) field.

FIGURES

Why is the figure 9 like a peacock? Because without a tail it is nothing.

What increases its value one-half when turned upside down? Figure 6.

Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures.

FIRE

What is it that will run up a hill faster than it will run down? Fire.

If a church should take fire, what part could not be saved? The organ, because the engine could not play upon it.

Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays at the same time.

What magazine would be likely to give the best report of a fire? A powder magazine.

What is the worst thing to catch afire? Nothing.

Ever eating, ever cloying. Never finding full repast.

All devouring, all destroying. Till it eats the world at last? Fire.

What is the best thing out? A conflagration.

Why do women like the heat of an open grate? Because it is a great beaut i-fier.

FISH 145

How does a stove feel when full of coal? Grateful.

What is the difference between a fireman and a bar-room bouncer? One soaks the fires and the other fires the soaks.

FIRE-FLIES

How can a place be lighted by a thousand fires, and they afford no warmth, neither can we put them out ? When lighted by fire-flies.

FIREWORKS

Why is a cracker like death?

Because it is a debt o' natiir' (detonator).

FISH

Why should a fisherman be wealthy? Because his business is all net profit.

Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his business makes him sell-fish.

What part of a fish weighs the most? The scales.

When is a fish like a bird? When it takes a fly.

If you were fishing in Boston harbor and a hostile gunboat should appear, what would be the best thing to do? Pull up your line and sink-hcr.

Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one?

Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it.

How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale.

Why is a herring like a graveyard? Because it is full of bones.

146 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses.

When are you nearly related to a fish?

When your grandmother is a good old soul (sole).

Why are smelt fishermen great for corresponding? Because they are always dropping a line.

What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is.

When is a fish out of its element? When it rises and takes a fly.

Why is a red herring like an overcoat? Because it keeps you dry.

What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy school- boy?

One baits his hook, the other hates his book.

What is the difference between an oyster and a lobster? We get pearls out of an oyster and it is possible to get a diamond necklace out of a lobster.

V A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; how was that?

He had two — and one smelt.

Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his paraffins (pair o' fins).

Why may fishmongers be called materialists? Because their soles are always beneath their notice.

Why are fish well educated?

They have a taste for going in schools.

Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his gross profits? Because they are always net.

On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together ? Skates, soles, an' (h)eels.

Why are fish in a thriving state like fish made to imitate them? Because they are hearty-fish-all (artificial).

FLEAS 147

Why are fishermen and shepherds like beggars? Because they live by hook or by crook.

When are oysters like a fretful husband? When found in a stew.

Why is a loaf which has fallen overboard like a lobster? Because it is "bred" (bread) in the sea.

What would a dolphin in a sentry-box look like? A fish out of water.

What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring.

Why do fishermen possess extraordinary medical powers? Because they cure dead fish.

Why is the oyster the wisest of animals? He keeps his mouth shut.

FLATTERY

What makes every one sick except those who swallow it? Flattery.

FLEAS

Why is beer like a flea ?

Because hops is the principal thing about both.

What low-born, ill-bred fellow has noble blood in him? A flea that bites Lords and Ladies.

He loved her. She hated him, but, woman-like, she "would" have him, and she was the death of him. Who was he? A flea.

Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring.

What is the difference between a brewer and a flea? The one buys hops, the other takes them.

Legs I have, but seldom walk; I backbite all, yet never talk. A flea.

148 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

Which is the greatest back-biter? A flea.

FLIES

When did the fly fly?

When the spider spider (spied her).

Why can't flies see in winter ?

Because they leave their specs behind them in summer.

Why is the fly the best one among the grocers' customers B Because, when he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot.

Why is a fly taller than most men?

Because he stands over six feet without shoes or stockings.

What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper.

FLIRTING

With whom do the mermaids flirt? The swells of the ocean.

Why is it difficult to flirt on the P. O. steamers? Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags.

Why is flirtation like plate powder? Because it brightens up "spoons."

^ If 32 is the freezing point what is the squeezing point? Two in the shade!

What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to dress, and the other dresses to kill.

Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts.

Why is a flirt like an India-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet full of bounce.

Why is lip-salve like a duenna? Because it's meant to keep the chaps off!

FOG 149

FLOWERS

What is the difference between a rhododendron and a cold apple- dumpling ?

The one is a rhododendron and the other is a cold apple-dumpling. {You surely wouldn't wish for a greater difference than that.)

What flower would remind you of a lion that took a great deal of care about his personal appearance ? Dandelion (Dandy lion).

What is it that is queer about flowers ? They shoot before they have pistils.

What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? A cowslip (cow's lip).

What two flowers should decorate a menagerie? A dandelion and a tiger-lily.

What paradox may often be found in a flower garden?

A zvhite pink.

Why is a water-lily like a whale? Because it conies to the surface to blow.

What blossom, deprived of one of its letters, becomes what all young misses desire to possess? A (c) lover.

What blossom, deprived of one of its letters, is oftenest sent by lovers ? (P)ink.

Why is a note of hand like a rose-bud ? Because it is matured by falling due (deiv).

What pickle reminds you of gathering a flower? Pick-a-lily.

FOG

What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist on earth, the other is missed in heaven.

150 THE WORLD'S BEST CONUNDRUMS

FOLLY

What is the height of folly?

Spending your last shilling on a purse.

FOOD

Why is a caterpillar like hot cakes?

Because it is the grub that will make the butter-fly.

Why is gooseberry jam like counterfeit money? Because it is not currant (current).

FOOLS

Would you rather be a bigger fool than you seem, or rather seem to be a bigger fool than you are?

Whichever horn of this dilemtna a person chooses when you ask the question you reply: "That would be impossible."

Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody.

FOREIGNERS

How many foreigners make a man uncivil? Forty Poles make one rude (rood).

FORESIGHT

What man has his eyes in the back of his head? The man whose hind sight is better than his foresight.

FORGERY

When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged.

FORKS

What did the cheese say to the toasting fork? You are too pointed.

FRENCH 151

FORMS

What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? We sit upon one and stand on the other.

FOUNTAINS

V/hat is that which works when it plays and plays when it works ? A fountain.

FOURTH OF JULY

Why is the fourth of July like an oyster stew? Because we enjoy it best with crackers.

FRENCH

Why need France have no fear of an inundation? Because "the luater" there is always "I'eau" (low).

What French word contains all the English vowels and but one consonant ? Oiseau.

Je ne suis pas ce que je suis ; car si j'etais ce que je suis, je ne